I am still haunted by one childhood memory.  I was 10 years old, jamming out to the Backstreet Boys in my room, when suddenly my big brother barged through the door and yelled, “Turn that off! Backstreet Boys are lame.”

This was my astute older sibling coming to enlighten me of a supposed fact. He is, after all, older and wiser than I am. But if his utterance was indeed true, then why did I want so badly to belt out the lyrics to “Quit Playing Games With My Heart” and “I Want It That Way.”

Up until now, that day has toyed with the inner workings of my soul. I realize my brother did not know how to say what he wanted to say. He should have taken ownership of his opinion instead of stomping in like he had a godly directory of all known “lame” and “cool” bands. He should have used what Dr. Thomas Gordon calls an I-message.

The author of Teacher Effectiveness Training, Gordon claims that people respond more positively if you move the problem onto yourself rather than another person. For instance, if someone is annoying you, it is better to say, “I am bothered by your actions,” than “You are being annoying.” What my big bro should have said when he busted down my door was, “Kevin, can you please turn that music down a notch? I am not very fond of the Backstreet Boys.”  Gordon’s I-message would thus be, “I am not very fond.”

Pay close attention to the “I” in that last sentence. It would have completely eradicated the dagger that was rammed through my heart. By just taking ownership of his opinion, he is salvaging the bond between us. He gets the music turned down, and I can keep having my epileptic solo dance parties: a win-win situation.

Childhood memories aside, we can all benefit by slipping the “I” into our sentences. Coming to college is a time when we bring lots of viewpoints, things we have picked up from our own unique backgrounds. Our views are inevitably going to be different from a lot of other students.  But at Gustavus we do not bang down the door and shout things like, “conservatives stink,” or “democrats smell a little off.” No, we bring open minds.

I had a linguistics professor last year who always reminded us to “Speak from the ‘I’” Whenever we were discussing, he wanted us to take ownership of our opinions.  That way we could still speak our minds, but we were not invalidating anyone else’s opinions by claiming ours were universal truths.

Much like linguistics, life is not clear-cut. Nobody has all the answers, so we must not hurt other people’s beliefs by thrusting our own upon them. For instance, if you feel abortion is wrong or that poor people need to work harder, let it be known those are your opinions and not some universal truths.

I-messages have the power to improve human relations.  Everyone can benefit from I-messages.  We all come from different backgrounds, and we all have unique experiences as we fight the good fight. Therefore, we are going to bring attitudes that bump heads with others. We must not let our opinions divide us.

By now you might be thinking, “Yeah, right, it would be annoying to have to interject the words ‘I think’ every time I wanted to speak my mind.” But it’s not always necessary to flood your speech with “I’s.” This is where having empathy is a good idea.

We have to know when the absence of an I-message can be detrimental to human relations. I would not want to march through Vickner Hall chanting, “English is a worthless major. You can’t read for a living.” No, I might get a Norton Anthology chucked at my temple.

In other words, we cause damage when our opinions sound more like attacks than information distribution. What I might say marching through Vickner Hall is, “I do not think it would suit me to be an English major. I don’t think the job market in that area is thriving at the moment.”

Up until now this talk of I-messages and taking ownership of our opinions has been somewhat lighthearted. However, this can be a serious matter. I have seen hurtful opinions communicated as universal truths like, “All non-Christians are going to hell,” “Homosexuality is a sin,” “Everybody in poverty is there because they don’t work hard,” “Rich people are snobs,” “Africa offers nothing valuable to the rest of the world.” These opinions turn into attacks. By not taking ownership of these opinions, it is implied they are fact, which they obviously are not.

Therefore, fellow Gusties, all I ask is when you bring your past experiences and own beliefs to Gustavus, remember they are yours. Remember everyone else brings his or her own beliefs as well.  Come into this year with an open and accepting mind, but do not be afraid to speak your opinions. Just do it with some empathy. That will bring us a long way toward building a close-knit community at Gustavus.  At least I think so.