Jonas Doerr – Opinions Columnist

Take a stroll around campus and you’ll find more nudity than in a birth center. All over campus, statues abound, many by the great sculptor Paul Granling. They are gorgeous; perhaps a little too gorgeous. Most of the statues are not wearing a scrap of clothing.

Some might make the case that this is how art has always been. Legendary sculptors like Michelangelo and Raphael were not only Ninja Turtles, but they also carved naked statues. If you do not like it, well, close your eyes.

If only that were the case. One cannot close their eyes around campus without running into a skateboarder, wall, or rabid squirrel. It would be positively unsafe, which means that we must walk around with our eyes open and glimpse the unclothed metal.

This might not be too bad if the statues represented life on campus. They do not. Not once in my three year college career have I seen a Gustie flailing around campus in a state of complete undress. Perhaps others have, but it is certainly not as common as the statues would have us believe. Either the statues need to wear clothes or we don’t.

And clearly, one of those is not an option. For those of us who have experienced the biting February winds on the hill, clothing is not optional. Anyone who tried strolling around au naturale would inevitably freeze into another naked statue. It is just not feasible on a Minnesota campus to go prancing around like those darned statues do.

But it is absolutely not ok to let those statues continue to expose themselves to us. One of the best places to study on sunny fall days is outside, letting the gusty wind tousle your flowing locks. It’s hard to focus as it is, with notifications and interrupting friends disturbing even the most intense study sessions. It’s entirely impossible to focus when there’s a nude statue frolicking mere meters away from you.

What would prospective students think as they tour our campus? That Gusties are a bunch of lollygagging nincompoops who can’t focus on their homework without gazing longingly at the statues around campus? Inconceivable! We must not allow this to be.

Instead, we must act to restore chastity to our artistry. As I said before, either the statues need clothes or we don’t. Since the latter is a certain means to becoming a popsicle, we must clothe the statues.

This might seem unfeasible at first glance, but it is quite reasonable. Many students already, of their free will, spray paint a rock, which is more difficult than tossing a t-shirt on a hunk of bronze. Gusties are eager to decorate their campus – see upcoming window painting for evidence – and would be happy to give the statues some long-awaited warmth. Just request that they contribute a couple spare items from the back of their wardrobes, and we’re all set.

Of course, this could be taken to another level. Why not make some cash to create the “Decently Large Decency Fund” scholarship, which could be given to particularly well-dressed students? The easy way to do it would be to reach out to some companies in need of influencers. What better model than one who will pose all day?

As the funds roll in from eager clothing brands, we can dress up the statues with the clothes they send. Thousands will see the rakishly displayed clothes, and the Decently Large Decency Fund will be off to a great start.

Of course, this would require some administrative coordination. Instead of all this, it might be more logical to educate Gusties about the statues’ history so they can have something else to think about when they see the statues.

The statues were mostly created by 1952 Gustavus grad Paul Granlund. He created over 650 sculptures displayed world-wide, and was commissioned to create many for our campus. The lack of clothing in the sculptures is not because he ran out of bronze; instead, he uses it to display the emotional contours of his sculptures bodies more emphatically. For example, Apogee, a sculpture of a child above two parents, attempts to show a family’s joyfulness and exuberance.

While on first glance the naked statues might seem somewhat disturbing since they do not represent the typical clothed Gustie, they are in fact impressive works of art that we have the privilege to admire daily. Instead of covering these statues up we could be realizing more deeply the beauty that surrounds us. It still might not hurt to give one a blanket on a particularly cold winter night.