Deciding to take my final semester of college courses via an all-online format was not a smooth process. I went back and forth between a certainty that I was ready to move back to campus and a fear that if I did go back, I would not be as healthy of a student and person as I might be learning at home. Before the on-campus portion of the semester was shortened, I had decided to come back to Gustavus and live with my best friends in an apartment together. However, once we learned that our time on-campus would be abbreviated, I knew that it would be more stressful than productive for me to return to my home on the hill.
As I came to this decision, I found myself in a period of reflection; my time at GAC as an on-campus student had ended. I spent a mere 2.5 years in the dorms here; I felt robbed of an experience I had been anticipating since I was a child. I felt uncertain of the future; what would this semester feel like? Would I lose touch with Gustavus entirely? Talking to my academic advisor helped a bit with this; she knew that I would be better off staying at home and that even though I’d be distance learning I would still be just as much of a Gustie as I was before.
Eventually came time for classes to begin, and most of my nerves had subsided. Starting online classes was familiar to me because of our experience last semester, and I knew how to navigate my learning environment. I fell into a bit of a routine: wake up, go to class, work, hang out with friends online, sleep, and repeat. This routine is one that I still practice now, and it’s one that works for me.
When the college came out with the decision to move students back to campus, I was unsurprised but also sad. I began to question my decision again; was it really best that I chose to learn online? Amidst these questions I ultimately came back around knowing that I had made the right choice for my learning and my wellbeing.
All but one of my classes are entirely online for all students, something I appreciate. In my class that meets in person, I simply yell out my name should I have something to say, an audible version of raising my hand. This habit came naturally and works just fine, so all the stress I had regarding being the only online student was essentially baseless.
My days are calm and I have settled into my day-to-day habits, legitimately taking it easy for the first time in what feels like forever. My choice to learn online has allowed me to comfortably grow into my own learning environment rather than to try and make living on campus work when I was not ready to go back. This means that my time physically spent on the Hill has in fact ended, but it is okay. I feel less disheartened about my shortened college experience than I had previously because of one key realization: my decision to stay home has given me a clean break, something I am very grateful for.
You see, as a senior graduating this December, it was healthier for my brain to stay away from campus and keep in my home routine than to try and rebuild in-person relationships and connections at a place I have to leave in 8 short weeks. As an emotionally driven human being, this would have been like opening up wounds I had been working to heal since March 13. So yes, while I am very sad to be away from my home on the hill, I know that remaining at a distance has been better for my wellbeing and has allowed me to heal the pain so graciously forced upon me by the COVID-19 pandemic.
Here is to hoping that I can come back and visit sometime in the near future, and that not too much will have changed by the time that happens. Remember, your time as a member of the Gustavus community does not end when you leave campus. You will always have something to contribute as a Gustie; you just have to take the time to figure out what that might be.