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Increasingly awful weather reminds students why they chose Gustavus
SAINT PETER— As the weather begins its annual plunge into the negative digits, students are breaking out winter coats, hats, and mittens, and fondly remembering what brought them to Gustavus.
“The simple thought of soon having to trudge through six to forty-seven inches of snow to get to my environmental ethics class is just about the most heartwarming thing ever,“ said Junior Ashley Branssen, as she unpacked and arranged nine pairs of Uggs and paired them each with a corresponding North Face jacket and cashmere overcoat.
Even international students are excited for the drastic temperature change.
Kenyan foreign exchange student Senior Martin Kilprop recently said, “Honestly, this weather is pretty darn horrible but, man, does a hard hitting winter remind me of my hard hitting class load that challenges me every day. It’s fantastic.”
For some it reminds them of academia, for others it reminds them of the great relationships they have formed at Gustavus.
“When I think of Gustavus, I think of the friendly frostbitten faces of the students and staff who I love so much. Without that beautiful frostbite, how am I supposed to recognize the people I care about?” said Sophomore James Perry.
The Admissions Office has also recently confirmed that prospective students who visit during months where the average temperature is below negative ten degrees are five times more likely to attend the school.
“The numbers don’t lie, kids who visit in the middle of January just can’t say no to our cold temps and record setting fierce winds,” said Director of Admissions Heather Niessen.
President Bergman recently announced that she planned her inauguration on the coldest week the catering crew would agree to work outside.
“Past, present and future Gusties all share a keen love for horrendous weather conditions and borderline hypothermia. I knew that holding my inauguration amidst 30 mile per hour winds would forge a bond that could not be broken,” Bergman said.
50th Nobel Conference to celebrate legacy of 50 Cent
SAINT PETER— The college community is preparing to welcome Nobel Laureate Curtis James Jackson III (50 Cent) to campus to present “Nobel Conference 50: Where Does 50 Cent Go From Here?” The conference is expected to draw over four thousand 50 Cent enthusiasts to campus.
College Chaplain Siri Erickson expressed her excitement for the conference in an interview with The Fourth Crown, stating, “The cultural and scientific legacy of 50 Cent’s discography fits perfectly with this college’s Swedish Lutheran heritage and its core values of Excellence, Service, Faith, Justice, and G-Unit.”
Erickson went on to describe the parallels between college founder Eric Norelius (1833-1916) and Curtis James Jackson III. “Both were true renaissance men who recognized the power of music to bring together their communities and to assert a theological and political philosophy, though 50 employs narcotic-influenced hip hop where Norelius employed the Swedish Lutheran folk hymn tradition. I must confess that in my studies of these two remarkable leaders, I often envision 50 Cent in 1860s Lutheran clerical vestments or a shirtless Eric Norelius rapping into a microphone while brandishing his nine gunshot wounds.”
The loose structure of the conference is meant to mirror the street-influenced looseness of the beats of 50 Cent’s discography. Each lecture is named after one of 50’s albums, with the exception of the lecture on mythic douchebag Kanye West, and will feature 50 discussing his impact on one specific component of scientific progress.
College Administrators are very excited to be celebrating this landmark conference, which has been dedicated to bringing the very best scientific minds, thought-provoking lectures, and straight-thuggin’ hip-hop talent to Gustavus for years.
“This will be a truly historic conference,” said Nobel Conference Director Frederick Brownstead.
“While most of our speakers usually have around eight or nine degrees, Fiddy has nine gunshot wounds and a prolific Twitter page. His raw knowledge of the sciences and the streets will be a huge centerpoint to the entire conference.” Brownstead added.
“While previous Nobel speakers packed a lot of content into their 45-minute lecture, we are certain that this year, Fiddy will just be packing.”
NOBEL 50: WHERE DOES 50 CENT GO FROM HERE? : lecture topics
GET RICH OR DIE TRYING: Obtaining Government Funding in the 21st Century
BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT: Modeling the Progress of Climate Change
BULLETPROOF: A Critique of the Development of the American Military-Industrial Complex
%@!$ YOU, KANYE WEST: A Dissertation on the Douchebaggery of Kanye West
ANIMAL AMBITION: The Development of the Field of Animal Psychology
GUESS WHO’S BACK?: The Unexpected Resurgence of Monist Philosophy
IN DA CLUB: CERN’s Quest to Perfect the Turkey Club Sandwich
-The Fourth Crown Editorial Staff