The big dogs at the top of the food chain here at THE Weekly have deemed me the one responsible for writing a “senior salute” of sorts even though, as the Calendar Editor, I am usually out of the office by 8 p.m. (at the latest) and am not a team member whatsoever. My existence at this paper consists of me sitting in my isolated alcove, laboriously churning out jokes and asking no questions. However they took away my page for the last issue of my career, so this is my job now.

So these are my unwanted tips—once again from someone that knows little to nothing about the production of this paper—on how to make THE Weekly better from over here in Calendar Island.

First, don’t have the guy who has started a rival publication who hopes to “BURN THE DREAMS OF THE WEEKLY” write the senior article. That’s some risky business.

Second, pay the Calendar Editor more. Thank the thankless here.

“Third, don’t let Jack Ohle leave. Because honestly, who the f@#$ are you going to write about anymore?

Fourth, The Fourth Crown. I told you not to have me write this article, editors. I’m shameless.”

Fifth, I think we really missed some people when it comes to Gustie of the Week…including me. So I’ve taken the liberty to provide a small blurb for mine.

“Holy s@#$ Justin is selfless,” Senior Justin Feit said. “And smart. And sexy!”

Sixth, try lying about news stories. I’m pretty sure libel is legal and fair as long as it takes place on campus.

Seventh, let’s get Campus Safety to give us some names with their reports. I want some Scarlet Letter-type s@#$ up in here.

So with this manifesto of sorts, I am confident that I have given this publication the ability to thrive beyond this senior class. My expertise should not be wasted. I know what I’m talking about here.

Okay, maybe I have a bit of a skewed perspective over in the quarantined corner of the calendar. Maybe this advice is really bad.

Either way, one thing I do know is that the staff of this paper has enjoyed bringing you more than just the news and more over the years.

What’s more is that I certainly have enjoyed my time here. This paper has given me one of many opportunities to make you all laugh at Gustavus. It is a role I have reveled in over the last few years—one that I will always cherish.

Whoa, that was far too sentimental. BE STRONG, FEIT. Whether or not anyone takes my advice does not matter. The fact that the school’s newspaper is willing to run the ramblings of a crazy person like me every week for two years is one of those weird things that makes Gustavus a place I have been proud to call home.