Break-ups gone sour

After almost four years of bickering, President Ohle and Gustavus Adolphus College are breaking their romance off, and not a moment too soon. Gustavus Adolphus College, having had many partners before Ohle, knew to end the relationship when Ohle told her she needed to gain ten to twenty grand before beach season.

When speaking with Gustavus Adolphus College regarding the issue, she claimed, “It never really seemed right at all, even from the start.” This leads us to believe there was a little more than just romance on the line with this partnership.

When asked if she was going to pursue a new boyfriend anytime soon, Gustavus Adolphus College blushed, flicked her curls out of her eyes and said, “You can’t stop true love. Not even for a sassy girl like me.”

Could we have another man  or woman on the romantic front of Gustavus Adolphus College soon? We at the Bunion News Network think it’s a definite possibility.

But we wanted to get into more than just what we think. So we patrolled the sidewalks of campus and asked around. One sophomore said, “I hope so! That girl deserves someone better than that old man Ohle.”

Another woman, when asked the same question of whether or not she thinks Gustavus Adolphus College should be looking, said, “I just don’t think it’s right. She needs time to discover herself and enjoy being single for a while. I offered to have a girls night with her, but I don’t think she read my email.”

Apparently this isn’t the first break Gustavus Adolphus College and Ohle have had together. According to their publicists it happened once in the spring of 2010 for two weeks. They had wanted to keep it a secret, and ended up getting back together after Ohle promised things would be different this time.

But clearly they were not. Gustavus Adolphus College, in her interview with us, said, “He just wasn’t honest with me. I’d ask him where he went the night before and he’d say, ‘Just the gym, honey,’ but I know he wasn’t there because his gym shorts and sweatbands were still in the laundry room. I couldn’t trust him when dollar bills were leaking out his pocket pants, and he just reeked of cigarette smoke and bad perfume. I knew where he really was.”

The break-up is affecting more than just the two former lovebirds.

“I don’t know what it will be like, being a student here. I’ve never been to a school that’s single. I wonder what she’ll do on weekends and stuff. I guess there’s usually room at the Dive if Gustavus Adolphus College wants in. She can call me,” First-year Franco Neil said, without lifting his gaze from his Xbox 360 and ongoing Call of Duty game.

“It’s about to change a lot around here, that’s for sure. Going to get a lot cleaner and we’ll probably hear a lot of Taylor Swift for the first couple of weeks,” Senior Rodney Nomancer stated.

Keep your eyes peeled, Gusties. Gustavus Adolphus College is still in this and ready for true love to hit her and hit her good.

*All people, places, and events described in The Bunion are completely fictional and by no means representatative of any nonfictional people, places, or events. All likenesses are completely coincedential.