Features Editor- Eric Hofer
Due to a recent surge in applications and interest in Gustavus Adolphus College, Admissions staff have begun to brainstorm ideas that would allow for all prospective students to have the classic Gustavus experience. After much deliberation, Gustavus is happy to announce their plan to begin franchising Gustavus Adolphus College locations across the country for prospective entrepreneurs.
“We’re thrilled to be cooperating with people to bring Gustavus across the country. It’s what Eric Norelius would have wanted when he founded Gustavus all those years ago,” commented one Admissions staff member, “We will definitely have our hands full with managing these locations, but it’s ultimately a decision we’re glad to have made.”
The first Gustavus franchise location has recently been announced to be opening in Greeley, Nebraska by a recent Gustavus graduate, Owen Dett. Though Greeley has a small population of under 400 permanent residents, Gustavus is proud to unveil their first location.
“It’s not my first pick, but it’s where things ended up,” said Dett, “There’s really nothing else to do in Greeley, so I’m expecting that most of the villagers will be attending Gustavus. And since there’s a lot of empty space around, we’re going to have a great arboretum. I would recommend that you book a trip down to Greeley for the grand opening, but it’s not worth it.”
With permission from Gustavus Headquarters, the Greeley location will have exclusive majors such as Fishing & Hunting Studies, Agricultural Management, and Cattle Ranching, all of which will help aspiring Greeley Gusties in obtaining a job after graduation.
In addition to the rural location in Greeley, Gustavus has recently broken ground for a new location in Las Vegas. A deal has been brokered between billionaire Phil Ruffin and Gustavus to demolish Circus Circus and construct a new Gustavus Adolphus College on its ashes. Admissions has yet to disclose how much this deal has cost the College, but assures those concerned that they will manage to recoup their investment after a few lucky nights.
“Oh, I am beyond thrilled to be the proud franchisee of the world’s largest and boldest Gustavus Adolphus College,” commented franchisee Will Theomann, “It is truly a pleasure. Have you ever stayed a night at the Bellagio? Oh, of course you haven’t. The Bellagio is really the only thing I could compare the dorms to.”
Unfortunately, prospective students at the Las Vegas Gustavus have complained about the lack of communal spaces and the overabundance of casinos. Additionally, the flashing lights surrounding the residence halls have been a source of tension for Gamblin’ Gusties who have tried staying the night. Few prospective students have found the $90,000 annual tuition to be worth the price, even if the new dining room comes with a self-serve caviar station and a tableside prime rib.
“I think I can speak for the entire Gustavus community when I say we’re incredibly grateful to have two great franchisees willing to take the risk,” said an Admissions staff member, “Gustavus will be especially bold and gold down in Vegas. I just fear that Gamblin’ Gusties in Vegas may have a bit of an issue studying when there’s so much night life. But, I’m sure that they will prioritize their studies!”
The third and final location that Gustavus Headquarters has unveiled may just be the most perplexing of them all; construction has begun on a new Gustavus location situated about half a mile west of the original Gustavus location in St. Peter. Local residents have reported that a man has been digging up dirt with a shovel and putting it in a giant pile. This man has identified himself as Gustavus 2’s entrepreneur, Vaughn Jolin.
“I’m a little busy here. I’m making a hill even bigger than the one the original Gustavus location is on,” said Jolin, “My Old Main will tower over yours and my Christ Chapel will reach the heavens. A successful franchise needs innovation, and that is precisely what I’m doing.”
While Jolin has already begun construction on the Gustavus Adolphus College 2 Campus, officials from the College have begun to express their concern.
“We gave him the approval to build a new Gustavus franchise nearby, but we had no idea he meant right next door,” commented one Gustavus official, “It’s beginning to seem that instead of building another Gustavus, he’s trying to build a greater Gustavus.”
Admissions staff have reminded Jolin of the terms in his contract that state which buildings and facilities are allowed to be constructed on the new campus. However, it appears that Jolin has no intention of following those guidelines.
“There will be two arboretums, for starters. I will build three Nobel Halls which, due to the lack of space, will have to be stacked directly on top of each other,” said Jolin, “I will open up the tunnels beneath the campus for travel between buildings, but we wish to remind people that since the College is just built on a pile of loose dirt, there may be cave-ins. I’m also hoping to construct a Great Wall of Gustavus to protect us from invaders.”
Despite some setbacks in their three new locations, Gustavus officials are excited to continue working with franchisees to bring Gustavus to more locations.
“Our goal has always been to provide our students with the Gustavus experience. And now, thanks to franchising, we will have more Gusties than ever before!”
*This is a satirical and fictional article