Features Editor- Eric Hofer

Jan. 30th is everyone’s favorite holiday: National Big Wig Day! To celebrate this momentous occasion, I’ve been meticulously mapping the positions of the Sun, Moon, and the planets to 100% accurately determine which wig most suits you.

• Pixiecut (Aries)
  • You have a no-nonsense attitude and don’t have time for the unnecessary things in life, including extra hair. You like to keep things low-maintenance and, if anyone is moving too slow for you, you might cut them off, just like your hair.
• Pompadour (Taurus)
  • You like to keep things proper, as they should be. Your hair reflects your stubborn routine to maintain your appearance. You’re also completely exhausted of people comparing you to Elvis Presley. It’s not funny anymore.
• Clown (Gemini)
  • Don’t let your appearance distract from your inner self, even if both your inner and outer selves are clowns. Some might find you horrifying, others might find you charming. You’ll get them all, one way or another.
• Combover (Cancer)
  • You miss the good old days and struggle to move on. Remember that life is always changing, and all we can do is adapt. So go ahead, shave your hair and embrace your new self. It’s better than looking like a high school gym teacher.
• Liberty Spike (Leo)
  • You’re cautious of others, and you do your best to warn them that if they get too close to you, they’re gonna get hurt. But what people don’t see under those spikes is your desire to be free.
• Judge (Virgo)
  • Some may say that you stick too close to the books, but for you, those books are there for a reason. You maintain order at all costs, but at the end of the day, life is your courtroom. What are they gonna do, hold you in contempt of court?
• Emo (Libra)
  • You say that you don’t want any attention, but your hair says otherwise. With your hair, you’re letting everyone know that you’ve been hurt by the world and that it’s not a phase, mom!
• Afro (Scorpio)
  • You’re intense and impossible to ignore. You’re unapologetically yourself, and that’s something people appreciate about you. That and they like putting things in your hair for safekeeping.
• Bouffant (Sagittarius)
  • While you may not be subtle, people will always feel your pull when you enter the room. You’re not the most up-to-date person, but you stick to traditions, even if it costs you an egregious amount of hairspray.
• Beehive (Capricorn)
  • While people might think beehives are overkill, you just think they’re neat. Your hair reflects how much effort you put into keeping everything proper and upright, and few recognize the true weight that’s on your mind at all times (it’s the hair). 
• Bowl cut (Aquarius)
  • You’ve had this haircut ever since you can remember, and you’ve got no plans to change it now. You’re incredibly resistant to change, so try opening up your mind a bit. Starting with taking that bowl off your head.
• Mohawk (Pisces)
  • You’re creative at heart, using your hair as your canvas. At the same time, you have no qualms about showing your rebellious side, using your hair as a way to attract others like you, even if it risks pushing others away.