News Editor- Jenna Anderson
Following last year’s catastrophe at the St. Peter Turkey farm, the city council thought that they were ready for anything the turkeys might throw their way. They even went so far as to pass City Ordinance 11272025 for the regulation of suspected Turkey Turnover. Select community members were trained on what to do in the event of another mass escape. They were prepared, but it wasn’t enough.
On Thursday, Nov. 20th, Herb Ivore woke up next to a pile of turkey feathers where her husband had gone to sleep the night before. “I didn’t know what to think,” she commented, in tears. “I thought he was pulling some kind of fowl joke.”
Despite her wishes, this wasn’t a joke. Farmer Carne Ivore was nowhere to be found, officially reported missing that morning by Mrs. Ivore. “I checked everywhere, and… he was gone. Not only that, but all the barns were empty. The turkeys had escaped,” Mrs. Ivore said.
When asked if she had any suspects in mind, Mrs. Ivore blamed the turkeys. “They best be thankful they escaped for now. A bunch of jailbirds is what they’ll be,” she said.
What happened to the thousands of escaped turkeys? We have yet to find out. Last Thanksgiving, Gustavus warmly opened their residence halls as a space for the turkeys to recooperate, so authorities have reported that there is a chance the turkeys will show up again. “We don’t know what the turkey’s altitudes may be. They are likely winged and dangerous,” an anonymous Campus Safety employee said.
Further complicating the case, an anonymous letter was slipped under the door of The Gustavian Weekly Office on Thursday evening. Barely comprehensible turkey-scratch said, “gobble gobble squabble squawk GOB SQUABBLE.” The letter was promptly translated by resident Turkey Translator, Colleen “Dinner” Coleman, the CDC.
According to the CDC, the letter read, “We’re stuffed. Cancel Thanksgiving OR ELSE.” This threat undoubtedly revealed that the turkeys were involved in some way in Mr. Ivore’s disappearance.
It’s likely that the leader of the turkeys is Gravy McGobbler, “the highest in the pecking order” and “a real troublebaker- I mean, troublemaker,” according to Mrs. Ivore. McGobbler is currently “ the leading suspeckt in the case of Carne Ivore’s disappearance,” according to lead detective Tom Featherington.
“We believe that Mr. Ivore’s new turkeys have been confeatherating with the escaped turkeys from last year,” Featherington said. Other than that, the evidence is limited to what Featherington called “rumors and town squabbling.”
Neighbor Horti Culture, a good friend and business partner of Mr. Ivore, revealed his own suspicions about the farmer’s sudden disappearance. “I have to say, Herb Ivore was acting mighty flighty,” he said. “Y’know, I heard rumors flying around that she’s a vegan. I think that speaks for itself.”
“Carne was a great man, but I did stay away from Herb Ivore. I wouldn’t want to ruffle her feathers,” another member of the search party, Mia Tmarket, said
“Herb? Oh, she never liked that turkey farm anyway. She always said it was inhumane, what her husband was doing to those birds. She said that she would only be truly thankful if nobody ate a turkey ever again,” Mrs. Ivore’s friend Veg E. Terrian commented.
Mrs. Ivore declined to comment on these remarks.
Will Gustavus and the larger St. Peter community heed the warning of the Turkeys and cancel Thanksgiving? We haven’t received an official report. “Thanksgiving or no thanksgiving,” Mrs. Ivore said, fighting tears, “don’t baste this opportunity to spend time with your loved ones.”
The case of Carne Ivore’s disappearance is still ongoing. Suspicious activity can be reported to Detective Featherington. He would like to assure the public that authorities are working around the clock searching for Ivore. “We’ve never had a case this large. To be frank, we’re winging it,” Featherington said.