A picky eater’s guide to “good” food

Cadence ParamoreEditor-in-Chief

I’ve been told my entire life that I’m a very picky eater. For example: I love pomegranates but hate grapes and watermelon, I love sushi but hate soy sauce, I love mushrooms and tomatoes but hate cucumbers (they’re literally just water in an unfortunate shape), and many more. So here’s my guide on what I consider “good” and “bad” food items, which I’ve broken up into four parts: Condiments, Produce, Pastries & Desserts, and Snacks.

  1. Condiments. Mustard is disgusting, and those who enjoy ketchup are superior. Mayo is also extremely overrated, and I can promise you that sandwiches, when done right, don’t taste any dryer without it. If you put ranch on anything other than a salad, I don’t trust you. BBQ sauce has many forms and the sweeter ones should be eradicated from existence (why would I put liquid sugar on my chicken tenders)? Hot sauce belongs on absolutely everything, I don’t care if it gives me heartburn. Lastly, honey is the backbone of our society and I will die on that hill. It makes everything better: Peanut butter sandwich? Don’t use jam (ick), use honey. Cornbread? Add honey. Tea? Sweeten it with honey!
  2. Produce. The humble potato, in any form, is one of nature’s greatest creations and should be treasured. On that note, vegetables are better than fruits and you can’t change my mind. I’d gladly eat broccoli over cantaloupe any day. Strawberries are also overrated (I’m sorry, but they are), and blackberries are underrated. Olives and pickles are literally the most delicious items of food ever, and you can’t change my mind. I will continue to buy my Costco size jar of pickles and eat them within a week (they’re the cool cousin that cucumbers wish they were). If you enjoy pickles (don’t make a dirty joke about that, you pervert), you’re hot. Also, what’s the deal with honeydew? It’s an old-people fruit. I hate it. Chives, bell peppers (though NOT the red ones), and artichokes equals yum! Celery, yams, and pumpkin equals disgusting. Also, brussel sprouts are totally average, everyone hates on them far too much. And lime SUCKS (I once threw up a margarita, and not because of the tequila). 
  3. Pastries & Desserts. Jello and pudding are disgusting. Pudding doesn’t have any worthwhile flavors to get over the fact that it feels as if I’m eating baby food, and Jello feels illegal to eat. 10/10 should be branded the same as playdough– “fun to play with, but not to eat!” Scones are actually so amazing. Cheesecake is nasty. And while we’re on the topic of cake, funfetti as a flavor profile (in cakes AND ice cream) is literally so nasty. If you enjoy it, you’re a child. And brownies in ice cream are too squishy for me, I’ll pass. Although Cosmic Brownies? Delicious, plastic-tasting particles of goodness. I WILL down an entire box, and only feel slightly guilty about it afterwards. Chocolate is always a delectable go-to for me, though I respect that it’s not for everyone. However, white chocolate will never be chocolate, and I stand by that wholeheartedly. It’s an imposter. Also, Trolli gummy worms are better than Albanese Gummi Worms, and whatever your favorite Starburst flavor is– they all kind of suck and taste like lightly flavored wax. Lastly, sugar cookies, and this includes Gustavus’ beloved “frost your owns,” are really gross.
  4. Snacks. Flavor Blasted Goldfish suck, the baby ones are the reigning champions. People who eat plain crackers are either literally ill, understand the importance of their marriage to soup, or are psychopaths. Cashews and hazelnuts are the worst nuts. Dot’s Pretzels make me want to vomit. Flaming Hot Cheetos are better than Takis. Kettle Chips are better than regular chips, and if you disagree you just have a weak mouth (again, not a dirty joke, get your mind out of the gutter). Vegetable snack plates are delicious. Blue Sour Patch Kids taste kind of toxic. Soft pretzels are literal serotonin, but don’t you dare ruin it with disgustingly fake melted cheese. Oreos are meh (although the dark chocolate ones slap), Triscuits feel like sand in my mouth, Sunchips are disgusting, Animal Crackers are actually okay, caramel corn can go to hell (though it DOES smell divine), and any brand of cheese ball or cheese puff feels AND tastes like styrofoam. Put your nasty, mall-pretzel cheese on a packing peanut and you can call it the same thing. 

I’m sure no one is finishing this article in agreement with everything, and maybe some of you disagree with it all, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s MY opinion, and everyone is entitled to their own. I’ve found that I get along best with people who have different taste buds than me. I’ll eat the tomatoes out of your salad if you’ll take the cucumbers from mine. If I don’t have to share my favorite snacks, I’m not sad. Feel more than willing to eat the cashews out of my Chex-Mix, and if there are bell peppers in your stir fry that you hate– give ‘em to me! If we’re able to admit when we think something’s gross simply because we HAVEN’T tried it yet, and therefore can’t pass judgment until we have, then we’re doing alright. If everyone is open to learning from sharing new experiences with each other, that’s a pretty awesome thing.