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Lululemon Outlet Opens in Norelius Basement
Saint Peter— Students visiting the basement of Norelius were surprised last week to see a fully functioning Lululemon outlet just outside the laundry room. The 890 square foot space was constructed after sources reported to marketing executives that “some 300 to 400 basic white girls” live within the building.
“Obviously this is a really exciting find for us,” said Lululemon PR director Jaimee McClusky. “When we learned that a bunch of upper middle class white girls, and even some fashionable guys, live just a few floors above the space, we just had to jump on it. This is a rare opportunity that we are just so excited to pursue.”
“I mean it’s not a real surprise that they want to make sure that people think they are somewhat athletic by wearing performance style clothing…”—Keith Bauer
The company also provides students the option to pay using their student accounts, which has brought sizable profits to both the store and the school.
“The first year class has spent thousands of dollars more than any previous class,” reports Gustavus Head of Marketing Keith Bauer. “They also have accumulated eight times more debt at this point than any other class, but this is likely due to something other than the over garb.”
“Look, these kids love to drop cash on silky smooth fabric that makes them feel like they are fit, sexy suburbanites on the go,” said Gustavus Marketing Professor Keith Bauer.
“I mean it’s not a real surprise that they want to make sure that people think they are somewhat athletic by wearing performance style clothing, but what shocks me is that they never actually wear these clothes when doing any activity more strenuous than going to Caribou, the Apple Store or an excessively light yoga class.”
A few students have negated Bauer’s words by coming forward and saying that they, “definitely wear lululemon clothes when they go out on the weekends to hook up with smart, caring guys.”
From the Seat
One of the oldest questions Gusties have asked themselves is what on earth to do with all the copies of The Gustavian Weekly scattered around campus. This dilemma has been particularly challenging this week, after The Weekly described The Fourth Crown as “selling out” for contributing a bimonthly print page to this decrepit relic of print media. We have compiled this list of ten possible uses for ‘The Weakly’ so that you, the reader, can make the most out of these ragged, inky testaments to the dying industry of print media!”
The New School Dive Rules
This academic year has featured dramatic changes in the Campus Activities Office’s policy for the popular Friday night campus dances held at “The Dive.” The new rules are listed below for your convenience.
MAX CAPACITY:
100 students per year
GROUNDS FOR REMOVAL:
Arrival
DRESS CODE:
Preindustrial chastity
START TIME:
10:00 p.m.
END TIME:
See “start time”
LAW ENFORCEMENT:
Entirity of the St. Peter Police Department, excessive amounts of guilt refreshments: unleavened bread, bologna, tears of disappointed parents.
LIGHTING:
Overhead LEDs, five searchlights, the fiery eyes of God
MUSIC:
That song the band plays at the end of James Cameron’s Titanic, select songs from the Church of The Latter Day Saints 1958 hymnal, “In the Arms of an Angel” by Sarah McLachlan.
DJ:
Old EWTN video of Mother Theresa reciting the Rosary
PERMITTED DANCING:
Somber, meditative prayer; the soldier boy.
-The Fourth Crown Editorial Staff