* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the whispers of Cupid heard amid the booming music of The Dive on Friday.
Friday, Feb. 14
Russian St. Valentine’s Day Tea: Phi Beta Kappa Room 4 p.m.
Despite what @SochiProblems is showing, the tea is pretty f@#$ing good.
Weekend Movie: Last Vegas: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Oh no, CAB has confused the senior class with senior citizens!
Saturday, Feb. 14
The Gustavus Choir Home Concert: Christ Chapel 7:30 p.m.
The Choir of Christ Chapel isn’t gonna give up its turf easily, G-Choir.
Weekend Movie: Last Vegas: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
The actors in this movie can still remember when Caesar’s Palace was still in Rome.
Sunday, Feb. 15
Weekend Movie: Last Vegas: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
Yeah, you could call this movie hip . . . breaking.
Monday, Feb. 16
Gustie for a Day: Alumni Hall and Campus Center
But only in Alumni or the Campus Center. You better be a f@#$ing Tommie anywhere else.
Exploring Religious Questions Series: Olin 103 7 p.m.
Questions like “What was Jesus’s favorite color?”
Tuesday, Feb. 17
Web 2 Print Training: GTS Computer Classroom 9 a.m.
PROOF THAT THE MACHINES ARE TAKING OVER.
Wednesday, Feb. 18
Student Involvement Fair: Banquet Rooms 4 p.m.
Given how cold it’s been on campus this winter, if it’s above 15 degrees, it’ll definitely be outside.
The Black-Jew Dialogues: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
I just know the D-Center is watching me on this one.
Thursday, Feb. 19
New Faculty Orientation: St. Peter Room 12:30 p.m.
These new faculty members should probably give their Ph.D.s back if they haven’t figured out their jobs yet.
Fondue Night: Courtyard Café, Pittman Hall, and Norielius Hall 5 p.m.
Fon-do get your a@# over there!
Cru Bible Study: The Dive 8:30 p.m.
So many Revelation revelations.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: At what point does Putin squeeze into the skin-tight speedskating suit to show ‘em how it’s done?
Taurus: You make a kid dig a bunch of holes as punishment, and you are going to get someone like Shia Labeouf.
Gemini: Remember when it was colder here than on Mars? Why the f@#$ do we go here again?
Cancer: Is anyone going to finally call out the Russian figure skating team for using emotionless robots in competition?
Leo: It is 60 degrees at the Winter Olympics, and Matthew McConaughey might win an Oscar. THE WORLD IS BACKWARDS.
Virgo: Nothing says Olympians like the soft physique of a curling team.
Libra: Waiting for spring has got to be similar to the wooly mammoths waiting for the ice age to end.
Scorpio: The Dive on Valentine’s Day? It’s like a solar eclipse of sexual frustration!
Sagittarius: It’s also like a trap for embittered single people.
Capricorn: The Winter Olympics are more of a competition of who had parents willing to spend a s@#$ load of money.
Aquarius: It looks like that pink-eye epidemic earlier this year has finally gotten to Bob Costas in Sochi.
Pisces: It snows less than an inch in Texas, and everything shuts down. But at GAC -400 degrees isn’t enough to cancel class.