Faculty Shop Talk: Interpretive Center 4:30 p.m.

All of the profs are super excited about shopping for the PlayStation 4.

Hmong New Year Open Mic Night: Courtyard Café 7 p.m.

There will be a variety of great speakers and performers “a Hmong” us.

Weekend Movie: The Spectacular Now: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

Ummm, I’m a senior. For me, it’s The Spectacular Later.

Hmong New Year: Alumni Hall 5:30 p.m.

It’s too bad Dick Clark isn’t around for this anymore. And it’s also too bad he never had anything to do with the Hmong New Year.

Weekend Movie: The Spectacular Now: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

Not to be confused with the livestock documentary, The Spectacular Cow.

Gustavus College Democrats Presents: Secretary of State Candidate Steve Simon Courtyard Café: 5:30 p.m.

Simon says, “VOTE FOR ME, DAMMIT!”

Butts and Gutts: Lund 217 7 p.m.

I don’t think any campus event titles truly capture the essence of grace quite like Butts and Gutts.

Soup and Sandwich Seminar: An Overview of Complementary and Alternative Medicine: Interpretive Center 11:30 a.m.

The toothpicks holding your sandwich together will later be used for acupuncture.

Prepare Bible Study: The Dive 7:30 p.m.

Clearly my English professors didn’t edit the Bible. There are four gospels, isn’t that redundant?

Lutheran-Catholic Relations Discussion: Phi Beta Kappa Room 4 p.m.

“LUTHERANS BE WEAK!” – Pope Francis

Homelessness Awareness Benefit: The Dive 7 p.m.

Will this be an event that simply raises awareness? Against all odds, I think they might actually do something.

Aries: Over the last few years, the abundant Apple crop has left the Blackberry an unwanted commodity.

Taurus: Yeah, I just sewed up a hole in my shirt. Where do I sign up for Project Runway?

Gemini: It’s John Hancock’s bad boy attitude that makes him unequivocably the sexiest founding father.

Cancer: The Hunger Games in my household involves my cousins fighting to the death over the last slice of pie.

Leo: Giving Gordon Ramsey a cooking show with children should raise so many red flags.

Virgo: The true winner of Survivor is the show itself for lasting this long.

Libra: OMG, WEATHER. F@#$ING DECIDE IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE COLD OR NOT ALREADY.

Scorpio: History hasn’t been kind in naming leaders like Alexander the Average.

Sagittarius: Columbus Day just wasn’t the same this year without stepping over people at lunch.

Capricorn: Ever since all of the good cast members left, Saturday Night Live is becoming Saturday Night Dying Slowly.

Aquarius: Michael Bay hasn’t done anything lately. And you know what? That’s okay.

Pisces: Finding out Haley Joel Osment is alive after all these years is more shocking than anything from The Sixth Sense.