Minnesota Private College Job and Internship Fair: Library AV1 2 p.m.

I’ve never seen people so cut-throat over jobs that do not pay a dime.

Shared Governance Discussion: St. Peter Room 2:30 p.m.

Ohle is crowning the next king of Gustavus here!

Weekend Movie: Elysium: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

Oh, this is the one with Matt Damon as the janitor in space who is a genius and does wicked hard math problems, right?

Introduction to Geocaching: Linnaeus Arboretum 10 a.m.

Weekend Movie: Elysium: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

Get out your yellow parkas, this film will have you in the social justice splash zone.

Pre-Health Club Meeting: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.

The topic of this meeting is, “Do you really think you are smart enough to go to med school?”

Academic Tutoring in Pittman Hall: Pittman Hall Lounge 7 p.m.

Notice how there is never one of these for Sohre? Step up, Pittman.

Teachers Talking Technology: Heritage Room 11:30 a.m.

You can show up half an hour late. They won’t realize their computer isn’t hooked up to the projector until noon.

“The Fight Continues Against Childhood Hunger”: Heritage Room 7 p.m.

Well, duh. I didn’t think there would need to be a fight against eating children.

Lutheran-Catholic Relations Discussion: Phi Beta Kappa Room 4 p.m.

If nobody nails their thesis to the doors of the chapel, this will be an utter disappointment.

Mental Health Wellness Fair 2013: St. Peter Community Center 6 p.m.

Feeling stressed? Maybe depressed? Get some rest. At this mental health fest.

Aries: If bullying was an issue in the NFL, then the Vikings wouldn’t even bother showing up to games.

Taurus: Why can’t Gustavus have that rare odor-emitting Fresh Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie Flower?

Gemini: What says ‘I love my city’ more than destroying it in riots after your team wins the championship?

Cancer: If you see people building snowmen, kickthemdown. Andthesnowmen, too, I guess.

Leo: Just because Halloween is over DOES NOT make it okay to play Christmas music 24/7.

Virgo: Every snowflake is different? Not really, I hate them all the same.

Libra: Who needs to take a political science class when there is an accurate political drama like Scandal on air?

Scorpio: The Jonas Brothers are breaking up? I thought they were brothers . . .

Sagittarius: If the winter lasts as long as it did last year, I’m transferring. I don’t care if it is the spring of senior year.

Capricorn: Hope is spelled J-A-S-O-N D-E-R- U-L-O.

Aquarius: I sure hope CAB will be able to handle all of the Jason Derulo fervor I’ve created in this section.

Pisces: All the environmentalists on campus probably ran to Nobel thinking there was a big compost pile, only to be disappointed with a f@#$ing flower.