* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather my own personal calendar because literally nothing happens during Fall Break.
Friday, Oct. 18
Faculty Meeting: Alumni Hall 2:30 p.m.
Now that they have driven their students to their wits’ end before Fall Break, they brag to each other.
Saturday, Oct. 19
I’m Going to Wicked Orpheum Theater: 2 p.m.
There was no f@#$ing way I was waking up early to get tickets through CAB.
I Might Take a Nap: My Apartment 5:30 p.m.
Even though I’m not really sure what that is anymore.
I’ll Probably Order a Pizza: My Apartment 9 p.m.
Right now, I’m thinking pepperoni and sausage, but I’m open to suggestions.
Sunday, Oct. 20
I’ll Drive Home: U.S. Highway 169 10 a.m.
Miley Cyrus’ music will never be as passionately belted out like they will in my Grand Prix.
I Triumphantly Return Home: My House 12 p.m.
My parents better have hired trumpeters to play triumphant music when I drive in.
I’ll Be Watching the Packers Play: CBS 3:30 p.m.
I’ll also be watching my fantasy football team die a slow, painful death.
I Will Watch a Movie: My House 9 p.m.
I haven’t picked one yet. I live life on the edge.
Monday, Oct. 21
I Might Visit My Grandparents: Various Locations 5 p.m.
And I’ll probably get some groceries to fill my barren kitchen.
Tuesday, Oct. 22
I Make the Celebrated Drive Back: U.S. Highway 169 1 p.m.
And life will be restored to this campus and also the Calendar Section.
Wednesday, Oct. 23
Gustavus Networking Event: Westin Edina Galleria 5:30 p.m.
LinkedIn will be getting some SERIOUS action.
The Icarus Account Coffeehouse: Courtyard Café 8 p.m.
If their singing pitch gets too high, they’ll melt in the sun.
Thursday, Oct. 24
Meet ‘n Greet with the New Sociology Professors: Courtyard Café 4:30 p.m.
And then they will study the way you interact with them.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: With how much debt we have, China is going to come to America and bust some kneecaps.
Taurus: Yeah, Siri is pretty cool. But does your iPhone have Snake like this Nokia brick phone?
Gemini: Javier Bardem shouldn’t have even won an Oscar; his hairstyles should have several.
Cancer: Do you hear the angelic voices singing the glorious tune of Fall Break?
Leo: Want to feel better about your life? Watch the Vikings for five minutes. Puts s@#$ into perspective.
Virgo: Can we just dump the Tea Party into the Boston Harbor?
Libra: Ashton Kutcher is the highest paid actor. There is no justice in this world.
Scorpio: Congress’ approval rating has got to be under zero percent at this point, right?
Sagittarius: I won’t tell your profs that you aren’t doing any reading over Reading Days.
Capricorn: Now that I think about it, it’s unsettling that you all know so much about my Fall Break schedule.
Aquarius: IM basketball is coming soon. Get ready to see me going all Dennis Rodman on first-years.
Pisces: When will there be a Toy Story film where Andy graduates college and doesn’t have his toys or a job?