The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the ghost of James Freetly haunting his former page, meaning he is here this weekend complaining about how I ruined his page.
Friday, Mar. 22
Up Your Understanding: Culpeper Language Center 4 p.m.
Not to be confused with the confusion seminar, “Up Yours, Understanding.”
Faculty Shop Talk: Interpretive Center 4:30 p.m.
The professors in the Classics Department are amazing at welding.
LineUs Show: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
With his victory in the Senate election, Matt Timmons eyes the LineUs throne in his bloodthirsty quest for power.
25th Anniversary Concert of the Gustavus Dance Company: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
The twenty-fifth anniversary for a dance company is admirable. More than half of all dance companies end in divorce.
Weekend Movie: Lincoln: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
HE GETS SHOT????
Saturday, Mar. 23
Eastertime Arboretum Egg Hunt: Linnaeus Arboretum 10 a.m.
Have fun in all of that f@#$ing snow.
30th Annual President’s Ball: Hyatt Regency Minneapolis 5 p.m.
It’s like prom without the hormone- driven madness.
Weekend Movie: Lincoln: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I’m pretty sure Daniel Day-Lewis played every single role in this movie.
25th Anniversary Concert of the Gustavus Dance Company: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
They’re just practicing for the Dive.
Sunday, Mar. 24
Weekend Movie: Lincoln: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
People had to tell Daniel Day-Lewis he couldn’t play Obama next in good taste.
Monday, Mar. 25
Good Food for Busy Gusties: International Center Kitchen 6 p.m.
Totinos Pizza Roll party!
Tuesday, Mar. 26
Weekly Meditation: The Interfaith Space 7 p.m.
It’s basically naptime that people don’t judge.
Wednesday, Mar. 27
The Seven Last Words of Christ: Christ Chapel 7:30 p.m.
“Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow.”
Thursday, Mar. 28
Taking Control of Your Language Learning: Interpretive Center 6:30 p.m.
Does kidnapping your Spanish professor count?
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Spring Break is like Santa Claus. As time goes by, you question its existence more and more.
Taurus: Subway restaurants have it all wrong. Subways are supposed to smell like urine.
Gemini: I can’t wait for Jimmy Fallon to get the Tonight Show job, so Jay Leno can complain all of the time.
Cancer: Good Friday shows just how ironic Christians can be.
Leo: We are all fools for trusting that damn groundhog.
Virgo: After winning everything else, Adele feels pretty confident about winning her March Madness bracket pool.
Libra: The biggest upset this week is having to go to class instead of watching basketball.
Scorpio: Getting pizza at the Caf is like playing Russian Roulette with six shots loaded.
Sagittarius: Getting into a cause for a week and then forgetting about it for the next one is like a little girl letting her pony starve because she got ice skates.
Capricorn: Except the pony in this case is an incarcerated man.
Aquarius: The room draw this year consists of hundreds of Old Western duels.
Pisces: The alternate title for Malcolm in the Middle was Breaking Dad.