The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather excerpts from some of Russell Crowe’s songs in Les Misérables that we couldn’t understand.

Friday, Mar. 8

Yoga in a Sacred Space: Christ Chapel 7 a.m.

Don’t quote me on this, but I think the Gus Bus is taking students to Tibet.

Yoga with Brenda: Lund 224 11:40 a.m.

Does Kelly know that Brenda is stepping on her turf?

Faculty Shop Talk: Interpretive Center 4:30 p.m.

They are just trying to set up a time to carpool to the Mall of America.

Weekend Movie: Les Misérables: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

Is there even a French person in this movie?

Saturday, Mar. 9

Building Bridges Conference: Christ Chapel:

Architecture Club is never going to forgive them for stealing their old name.

Weekend Movie: Les Misérables: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

My barber hates that I sing “I Dreamed a Dream” every time I get a haircut now.

Sunday, Mar. 10

Weekend Movie: Les Misérables: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

The actors all look so sad in the movie because Tom Hooper wouldn’t move the camera out of their f@#$ing faces.

Sculpt: Lund 224 5 p.m.

I’ll only go if there is an eastern European man yelling, “SCUUUUUULPT!”

Monday, Mar. 11

Retaining Your Vocabulary for the Long Term: Culpeper Language Center 4:30 p.m.

The easy answer is not to play in the NFL.

Tuesday, Mar. 12

Weekly Meditation: The Interfaith Space 7 p.m.

The Editor-in-Chief is making us all tap into our spiritual sides.

Wednesday, Mar. 13

Health Fair: Heritage and St. Peter Banquet Rooms 11:30 a.m.

It’s going to be a party this year. Jell-O flu shots for everybody!

Lunch and Learn with George Elliot RD MA LD: President’s Dining Room 12:30 p.m.

She has got to be making up some of those letters at the end of his name.

Bootcamp with Brenda: Lund 224 12:40 p.m.

“Kelly, you just got served.” – Brenda

Thursday, Mar. 14

Power Pronunciation: Culpeper Language Center 5:30 p.m.

Here they encourage you to say Les Misérables like an AMERICAN would.

Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes

Aries: The Cardinals already lost Albert Pujols, and now Benedict leaving will make them lose another.

Taurus: The Mario Brothers must be broke. They haven’t done an actual plumbing job in years.

Gemini: The story of Dennis Rodman and Kim Jung Un’s blossoming friendship will be the weirdest Lifetime movie ever.

Cancer: The worst part of playing Monopoly is when the SEC takes your dad away.

Leo: Does any American really know what to think of Hugo Chavez’s death?

Virgo: Netflix’s lack of good movies might be the biggest internet scam since the Nigerian “419” letters.

Libra: I don’t get the sequester. Why would the government choose to hide themselves?

Scorpio: The Discovery Channel’s Snark Week is the least inviting week of television.

Sagittarius: When we find out Nicolas Cage was pulling a “Joaquin Phoenix/I’m Still Here” trick, we will all call him the greatest actor ever.

Capricorn: All first born children in Egypt are sitting nervously after the recent locust plague.

Aquarius: The TV version of Pokemon was so unrealistic. In real life, PETA would have intervened so quickly.

Pisces: Do the 99% poor billionaires in the world get mad at the 1% of the 1%?