* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but are in fact a series of moves to bust out at the Dive. Use caution however, because the Monday – Wednesday moves are illegal in some states.

Friday, April 27

Arbor Day Treasure Hunt @ Linnaeus Arboretum 2:00 p.m. & 5:00 p.m.

Great. Now Jack Ohle has to move his secret gold stash. Just in case.

Fondue Friday @ Center for Servant Leadership 2:30 p.m.

The only thing cheesier than the fondue is … well, the CSL.

G.O.L.D. Course: Safe Zone Training @ Beck Hall 119 2:30 p.m.

Safe Zone: Possibly Kenny Loggins’s least successful power ballad.

Gustie Cup: Softball @Intramural Softball Fields 5:00 p.m.

Gustie Cup: The name of the event and a good suggestion for softball players.

Saturday, April 28

Take the Hill Triathlon @ Lund Center 6:00 a.m.

Triathalons are a useful skill, in case you ever need to go anywhere that’s within running, swimming, biking distance.

Doggie Dash Fundraiser @ Gustavus Campus 9:30 a.m.

As the officer explained to me last year, this event has nothing to do with throwing Corgis from high places.

Yes. That is a terrible joke. And your tuition dollars paid me to make it. Suck it.

The Evolution of Irrationality: Insights from Monkeys. Alumni Hall 11:00 a.m.

Hey. This is a Christian school. We believe God created us stupid.

Sunday, April 29 

The Gustavus Percussion Ensemble in Concert @ Bjorling Recital Hall 1:30 p.m.

Playing the drum just isn’t spiritually satisfying. It’s hollow.

Christopher Gough, student trombone and voice recital @ Bjorling Recital Hall 7:30 p.m.

There are many senior recitals happening this week. However, I noticed Chris’ because he is tall.

Seriously. Look at that sunovabitch.

Monday, April 30 

Spain Visa Session @ CICE 3:00 p.m.

Ooh. Three in the afternoon? I’ll be asleep then.

Bob Molhoek Presentation @ Alumni Hall 6:30 p.m.

Bob Molhoek will use his twenty years of marketing experience to teach you to market yourself to potential employers, like a product.

Lesson one: Sex sells.

Professors After Hours: Liberal Arts Perspectives on Children Soldiers in Africa and the Kony 2012 Campaign @ Nobel Hall 7:00 p.m.

What? I already hit “Like” on the YouTube video.

Haven’t I done my part?

Tuesday, March 1

Quidditch Match @ Intramural Field 4:30 p.m.

So much fun you won’t even notice yourself never getting laid again.

Cinco de Mayo Pre-event @ Nobel Hall 7:00 p.m.

Wow. I was going to have one of those too, but four days ahead of time?

What is this, Senior Week?

Wednesday, March 2 

“Our Place, In Place” @ Everywhere Everywhen

Oh God, the dancers got out of Anderson. Get the cattle prods and nets.

Senior Class Legacy Wine Tasting @ Banquet Rooms 7:00 p.m.

Great. Now they’re trying to trick us into thinking we’re the kind of people who have money to give them.

Thursday, March 3 

Origin Story @ Anderson Theatre 8:00 p.m.

It’s a play about comics. Stick around for the panel discussion.

Shady Horoscope

Aries: You haven’t paid your bill to the zodiac this month, I see. Sorry. I’ll have to cut you off.

Taurus: This zodiac is bull.

Gemini: If you have multiple jobs, you’ve been juggling your work lately. This is an especially bad idea for babysitters.

Cancer: Love is in the air today!

… your roommate and his girlfriend ought to open a window.

Leo: I wish I could tell you the truth, but your zodiac is lion.

Yeah, astrological puns. Whaddup?

Virgo: Don’t get behind the wheel of a car today. It might back up.

Libra: You’ve got money in mind today. Someone’s been dropping pennies off tall buildings again.

Scorpio: I am now reading fortunes for senior citizens using my magic bocce ball.

Sagittarius: There is a lot of tension in the air today. … No. No, sorry. CO2. That’s what I meant.

Capricorn: Stay out of the Caribbean trade routes today. The Black Pearl is about.

Aquarius: Next time you play “Draw Something,” you’re going to get “square circle.” ‘Cause God is trying to get you.

Pisces: Long story short, you’re going to wind up a Honduran rap icon this week.