* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The Gustavian Weekly, but are in fact  a manifesto on the spiritual exploration of the Cornish game hen. What are their loves? Fears? Hopes? To be fair, most of them center around corn and grubs.

Friday, March 9

Holi Festival: Eckman Mall, Shakespeare Pit @ 10:00 a.m., 3:00 p.m.

So is this a Holi-day? … Yes, that was crap. No, I won’t say sorry.

The Movers Walking Club: Lund Center Information Desk @ 12:40 p.m.

I checked the rhyming dictionary. I actually have gone through every single word that rhymes with walking. Every. Single. One. And they still haven’t made me Gustie of the Week.

Change Coaching: Linner Lounge @ 2:30 p.m.

They’ll help you figure out how to make do now that Gustavus’ tuition has been raised and now that Gustavus is considering to no longer offer insurance.

What’s that? Oh, sorry. They’ll help you with your relationships. That’s good too.

Building Bridges: Gustavus Idol: Cafeteria @ 7:00 p.m.

Who knows. Maybe this will finally be the year your acoustic version of “Such Great Heights” puts an end to social injustice.

Saturday, March 10

Building Bridges Conference All Day

Seriously. Don’t play“Such Great Heights.” We’re sick of it.

Sunday, March 11

Choose Your Own Adventure Sunday!

You stand before the bastard who slew your sensei before your very eyes, ten long years ago.  Slay him in cold blooded vengence.

Turn to pg. 37

Hand him a blood test showing that he is the father of the baby.

Turn to pg. 999

Page 37

As his last breath is carried away by the highland winds, you stoop and tear the seal of the black eagle from his chest. Your birthright is restored to you, but at what price? At what price?

Page 999

He admits he’s the baby daddy. But that blood test is twenty years old. Yes, he is the baby daddy, and you are the baby!  Play a game of baseball with Pop: Turn to pg. 21. vol B.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO – : Turn to pg 43.

Page 21. Vol B.

It was a ruse! He organizes a pick up game and then picks you last, forever shaming you among your brother warriors. Slink off to a cave and live out the rest of your days as a hermit.

Page 43

– OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Monday, March 12

Student Thank-A-Thon: President’s Dinning Room 6:00 p.m.

Once we graduate, who do you think will be more vicious about extorting our money from us? Student loan collecters or Gustavus?

Tuesday, March 13

Tree Pruning Basics at the Arb: Linnaeus Arboretum 5:30 p.m.

No pregnant women or people with heart conditions.

Wednesday, March14

Day at the Capitol: Minnesota State Capitol 8:00 a.m.

For those of you who feel like we don’t get ignored by our own administration enough, here’s a chance to do it at the state level.

Gustavus Pre-Health Fair: Heritage Room 11:30 a.m.

It’s the people who are “post-health” you have to watch out for.

Thursday, March 15

Big Concert: Gavin Degraw Student Tickets On-Sale

Normally I would complain that CAB didn’t let the students vote on the big concert. However, when they did let you vote, you picked Jason Derulo.

The people clearly aren’t responsible enough for a democracy.

Shady Horoscope

Aries: You ever had your inner ear licked by the Botswanian inappropriate contact fish? Just wait.

Taurus: The Zodiac has just sort of given up on you.

Gemini: Essen Sie nicht den Strudel.

Cancer: Explore the unknown! Go to your 8:00 a.m. class.

Leo: Try the strudel.

Virgo: Add something to your resume, show your leadership capacity! Start a cult.

Libra: You’ll never defeat me. This isn’t even my final form.

Scorpio: There will be a water balloon full of Crisco in your near future. Whether this is a good or bad thing is up to you.

Sagittarius: Your dad was adopted. That’s not your grandma.

Capricorn: The contracters who are remodeling the Dive will get lost and end up re-doing your room.

Aquarius: On the plus side, you’ll be the most popular kid in the leper colony.

Pisces: Jack Ohle will lose his mind and order the sidewalks be replaced with slip-n-slides covered in jam.