The Gustavus dropout inspires us, well, he reminds us that we are all alive.

—A wise man

As a Gustie drop-out, Chester Bumstead is excited to see just how his one week of attendance at Gustavus will serve him in the future. Passionate for life in general—or at least for a life of playing video games, shirking responsibility and owing people money—this young man takes the notion, “Once a Gustie, always a Gustie,” and, sweet Jesus, he doesn’t deserve the honor of Gustie of the Week.

Technically still a first-year student (since he doesn’t go to school here or anywhere) Bumstead can be found at neither classes, nor committees, nor organizations throughout the day on campus. However, this does not stop him from still packing a full schedule. Sleeping extensively, eating gas station food (“The Bomb” Beef, Cheese Sauce & Bean with Green Chiles Burrito is a favorite), showing up to work at Wal-Mart occasionally and playing Uncharted 3—these are all activities in which the young Gustie actively participates. As everyone can see, though juggling so many obligations at once may seem overwhelming to a third-grader, Bumstead is proud of this involvement.

“I don’t know any Chester Bumstead,” attests one anonymous junior. Had he known Chester, though, I’m sure he would have gloated about Chester’s godly over-involvement. A perfect student in all ways.

Chester Bumstead is an amazing person. Okay, let’s cut the shit, Chester Bumstead is just an all-right person. He excels in mediocrity, averages around eight points per Scrabble turn and takes out the trash when his parents ask him to … after about the fifth time. A real gentleman, with a very father-like air about him. Not only that, but his very presence is stamped onto particular places, including Gustavus Adolphus College, even years after he is gone. Just look at the ground. Do you see any trash? Even one hundred miles away with his feet propped up on his parents’ ottoman, his eyes glued mindlessly to the television, Bumstead is helping Gustavus remain clean, healthy and fresh-smelling.

I’m sorry. I don’t know how much longer I can do this for.

Those Gusties who know Chester Bumstead know him to be an easy-going, rather irritable fellow with a passionate dedication to the Gustavus community and beyond. But nobody even knows him here. And I’m betting the kid hasn’t even thought of this school in years. But he’s still worthy of praise—let’s try it again.

Although Bumstead is a self-described “narcissistic asshole” who takes pleasure in the failures of others, his level of honesty is truly a gift. He is not afraid to tell people what is on his mind, whether it is to comment on the quality of food or to express his opinion on a minor flaw of someone’s appearance.

Okay, that’s better.

As a drop-out student, Bumstead takes his research to a whole new level, inspiring all of those current students who actually attend school. He spends hours in his room at night reading up on homemade meth labs and how to escape from prison.

Despite his general wickedness as a person, Bumstead has high hopes for the future. He wants to be a doctor some day, or to help orphans in Africa.

So, what can we learn from this classic Gustavus attendee? I think I know the answer to that question: Chester Bumstead will always be a Gustie.