An overwhelming number of today’s men are facing a crisis. Through no fault of their own, many men are unable to grow a mustache, and thus are unable to be real men. This tragedy affects millions of men from every walk of life every day, and it is a leading cause of social unrest in affected areas.

Hi, I’m Ethan Marxhausen. For the first eighteen years of my life, I was completely unable to grow facial hair. I felt exposed, almost feminine. I was in a rut—couldn’t dig myself out. Nothing I did made any difference. Alone in bed, I would clench my upper lip and chin muscles together, just to make something happen. Nothing appeared. Not even a sprout.

For eighteen long years I lived in follicular poverty, relying on nothing more than shoe polish and Frank Zappa albums to get by. Then one day I saw a hair on my face that hadn’t been there before. It was all the push I needed to pull myself out of the gutter. Long story short, by years end I had a full beard and was ready to join the ranks of society, along with my fellow mustachioed brothers.

Most men today take their mustaches for granted. Many have never felt the anguish of a naked face, the cold sting that every breeze brings. They have never had to spend a night on a park bench, mustacheless and alone, at the mercy of the vicious whims of the ignorant privileged, who step over their sleeping bodies and mutter under their breath, “Damn babyface. Hey, girlie-man, why don’t you stop leeching off the government and go get a mustache, like the rest of us hard-working Americans?”

That’s why we created the Mustache Relief Fund for Babyfaced Men. We support all men who come to us for help, regardless of race, creed or sexual preference (which is more than I can say for our friends at the Salvation Army). We provide temporary mustaches to men in crisis, whether they are needed for several months or just overnight (as it was in the case of one man who came to us after experiencing a freak groggy morning shaving accident. See? Mustachelessness can happen to anyone. All it takes is one bad stroke of luck, or of the Gillette).

The facial hair impaired come from all walks of life. Think that’s stubble on your co-worker’s face? He could have just dotted himself with a ball-point pen before coming into work. Many mustacheless men keep their mustachelessness secret even from their family and close friends, out of pride. The mustacheless do not need our sympathy, but they do need our help.

We, at Gustavus, are a campus full of facially privileged men. This holiday season, why not share your assets with the less facially fortunate? Here’s what you can do. Carefully trim your Novembeard, if you are so blessed as to have one, put the follicles in a sealed envelope and send it to Save the Mustacheless. Alternately, you may check for donation dropoffs in your area. Be careful, as they are deceptively located next to the Toys for Tots bins.

I would like to leave you with some statistics about mustachelessness in Minnesota. Hold on to yourself—these may shock you.

Ninety-eight percent of children will be mustacheless at least once in their lives.

Eighty percent of single mothers are mustacheless.

Forty percent of mustacheless men in Minnesota are veterans.

Individuals with a history of mental illness are seven times more likely to be mustacheless.

Last year, three mustacheless men were set on fire. True story.

In a society as affluent as ours, it is disgraceful that so many still have so little. On their faces.

Stop the madness.

Stop the mustachelessness.