The adjective noun

Why I am not a Gustie Greeter

Alright, that’s enough. Ma’am? I’m serious, let go of your son. For god’s sake woman, get a grip. You’re acting like he’s going off to fight the Communists or something. Come on, he’s not going to die, ma’am. There are only two-hundred thirty-three different ways to die on this campus, twenty fewer than St. Olaf. So we’ve got that going for us.

Go ahead and cry all you want, I don’t care. Bake some cookies for him and you’ll feel loads better.

Come here, kid, let me pry you away. And don’t you dare wave goodbye to your family, or everyone will think you’re a pansy.

Let’s get you moved in. My god, what do you have in this box, your brick collection? Leave it for the football team. They don’t drop the boxes nearly as often as they drop passes.

Right. As your Greeter I’ll be your source for all things Gustavus. Anything you want to know, just ask me. I’ve done it all. And I’ve got some good advice for you. Real good advice.

First, that Mediacom package is the best fifty dollars a month you’ll ever spend. And it’s not like you have any friends here, so you’ll be sitting alone in your room a lot.

Want a swig? It’s Jack. Brush your teeth with it, buddy. You should really invest in a flask. It’s always good to be a bit drunk for your first day of classes. You get more out of the lectures if you’re a little buzzed. Oh that’s right, you’re not even legal. I can score some booze for you if you want. I charge twenty percent on top of the cost.

The Caf is this way. They charge you by item, which is totally lame because it means you have to eat responsibly instead of stuffing your face at every meal. Remember, always avoid the student cashiers, and always check out with Deb when you can. She’s tough, but fair.

That’s where they have the lunch buffet. Never go there. Only old people use it.

So long as we’re talking about people to avoid on campus, here’s three you can add to the list: Florence Amamoto, Henry MacCarthy and Lori Carsen Kelly. When you’re taking a college course, you want your professors to be as distant and aloof as possible, so you’re forced to work for their affection. Those three actually treat you well. How can we be expected to learn in that kind of environment? Most of the profs here are bad enough, but those three are probably the worst.

If you’re looking for a good time, pick up somebody from the Dive. Don’t worry if it turns into a one night stand. It’s not like you’ll ever run into her around campus again. Condoms? I have no idea where you would get one of those. We probably don’t have them anywhere on campus. It’s not like the administration gives them out for free or something. Like candy from a bowl.

Also, when it comes time to decide who plays the big concert, you should totally help us elect Lupe Fiasco again.

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  1. from Gini Dietrich to Patrick Phillips and Shonali Burke penotid out positive impacts on metrics, conversion, and

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