Television commercials can occasionally be more entertaining to me than the program I’m watching because of the overwhelming number of hilariously unnecessary products out there. Some simply make me giggle, like the women who cannot crack eggs with anything less that Hulk-like dexterity, thus necessitating the “EZ Cracker” to make the process of cracking eggs less physically demanding. Other commercials make me want to cry out in pain when thinking that people would be stupid enough to actually purchase the advertised product.

Let me introduce you to the iTouchless ESD002S Stainless Steel Automatic Sensor Soap. No longer will a traditional (and two-word-titled) “soap dispenser” successfully do the job in my bathroom or kitchen, friends. Nay, I must upgrade to an automatic soap dispenser hip enough to include the now cliché lowercase “i” in front of its name and a total of seven words to describe its function.

The iTouchless ESD002S Stainless Steel Automatic Sensor Soap is actually quite a simple product, despite its abundantly alliterative name. All I need to do is wave my hand in front of the sensor and out spurts hand soap, heaven forbid I need to touch the container holding the soap. The commercial makes it clear, however, that this is a multi-use product: Fill it with lotion! Fill it with detergent! Fill it with shampoo! There are so many opportunities to prevent disgusting and messy residue surrounding the more primitive push-pump dispensers.

What really makes my heart break and have no hope for the future (at least with respect to the soap dispenser industry) is that the iTouchless ESD002S Stainless Steel Automatic Sensor Soap is advertised as a way to, and I quote, “prevent the spread of germs.” When I heard this I wanted someone to slap me in the face. Unfortunately, the only being around me was my dog, and he has yet to master the level of paw-to-eye coordination required to reach my face.

I wonder what this company is expecting of those watching this commercial. Did they want us to run to our nearest sink and examine what is wrong with our current soap situation?

“Oh god!” says Sally as she reaches for her whipped chocolate and sautéed lemongrass hand soap in the now-deemed contemptible pump. “This soap pump is filthy! Imagine how many people have touched it! I wish, oh I wish I had a better, more sanitary soap situation.” Sally then cries in the corner.

Perhaps the company that created the iTouch ESD002S Stainless Steel Automatic Sensor Soap somehow forgot that inside it is, shockingly, SOAP! Soap that—hold on tight, folks—CLEANS HANDS. Soap that will rinse away those evil germs that linger on our soap dispensers if used correctly, as in, ON OUR HANDS. The only way I can imagine my hands possibly being at risk for pollution after using a non-automatic soap dispenser is if I try to wash any other part of my body with the soap without using my hands. Yes, iTouch ESD002S Stainless Steel Automatic Sensor Soap, if I wash my knees with my feet after using the bathroom, my hands just might be in danger. However, that is a rare occasion and not a good enough reason for me to buy your product.

Another product that pains my soul is Kleenex’s new hand towels for the bathroom, the “revolutionary packaging” for which makes the product fit on an existing towel bar. Even if I do use the iTouch ESD002S Stainless Steel Automatic Sensor Soap to wash my hands, Kleenex claims that the hand towel I use to dry them off could be loaded with more germs! Now I have to be scared of my possibly unsanitary hand towel? Give me a break, Kleenex.

These products emphasize many things. They show that companies are stupid enough to create products all in the name of making life “easier” and “more sanitary,” but that the companies are, at the same time, just smart enough to play to their demographic of germ-fearing soccer moms.

The products show that some people are stupid enough to believe those companies. They show that some people are lazy and can’t machine wash a damn hand towel once in a while. They show that people don’t care that all those disposable hand towels will eventually end up in a landfill, surrounded by paper plates used so that Mom/Dad/son/daughter did not have to take 15 minutes to wash the dishes, juice boxes from Tommy’s daily lunch, and, sadly, small plastic soap pumps that were thrown out once they were empty, without a second thought.