Well gentlemen. I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here tonight.

Please, have some cheese from the cracker platter. Gentlemen, I consider many of you to be my brothers. And when I say brothers, I really just mean really, really good friends. That’s why I think it’s time for us to expand as an organization. As you know, we are all awesome people. We are so awesome, in fact, that there is a very real possibility that we could get swarmed with mobs of less awesome folks who want to hang out with us. That is why we need to make sure we establish a way to decide who can hang out with us and who can’t. Goddang it, Victor, I saw you double dipping.

As I said, we are a lovely group of men. Neville, you’ve got a girlfriend, right? Oh. Well, you did at one point, right? And you did too, Louis? Anyway, people want to be with us, right? So what if we let all of them. What if we just let everybody who wanted to hang out with us hang out with us. It would be chaos, clearly.

We’ll devise some kind of friendship boot camp. We’ll make them do all kinds of embarrassing stuff like wear their hair funny or not talk to girls for a week, all to “prove” that they want to be our friends. And they’ll actually do it, and it’ll be worth it at the end because then they’ll have proved that they are awesome, as well. We can’t allow anybody less than totally awesome to infiltrate our state of total awesomeness.

Excuse me? What will our group do? What a silly question, Quentin. We’ll do friend stuff. We can have our fellow awesome-ites over to our house, and we’ll talk and hang out and maybe drink alcoholic beverages, but it’ll be really special because it’s OUR house.

Maybe we could even have it in a tree with a ladder that pulls up whenever somebody else walks by—but I’m getting ahead of myself. We can even do nice things for our community. And then everybody will really like us and, we’ll have even more people wanting to join … see how that works?

But this is the important part: we can’t tell ANYBODY who’s not in the group what we do when we hang out together. Then we’ll really enjoy sitting in our beanbags and watching How I Met Your Mother in our own little house and making inside jokes, knowing that everybody THINKS we’re having secret rituals and epic parties and orgies and badass stuff like that.

Next step: merchandising. We need a cool name for our group. Any ideas? Brilliant, Horatio, we’ll use another language! Something nobody speaks any more, like Latin or Greek or something. It’ll make people think we’re really smart or that we secretly speak that language when we hang out so nobody knows what we’re talking about. Do you speak Latin, Horatio? Me neither, but that doesn’t matter. We’ll use it anyway because it looks and sounds really cool. Or maybe Greek. I really like way “epsilon” sounds for some reason.

Once we get a name for ourselves we can start putting it on our clothes and stuff.

Something practical, like a nice hooded fleece, maybe. We’ll wear them everywhere so everybody knows how awesome we are. Maybe we should charge money to join. We’ll say it’s for “dues” or something made-up like that. It won’t even matter because we’re so cool we can totally get away with charging people to hang out with us. In return we can give them all this merch for free and maybe even a nice certificate with their name and our logo on it. Or a lapel pin.