Last Saturday night, I left Patrick’s to join the throng in the bank parking lot and wait for the GusBus to arrive. I met up with my boyfriend, who was standing in line at the open door of the bus. He looked slightly disgruntled; I found out why immediately after the doors shut.
As we pushed farther back into the packed bus, the Gustie directly behind us, who I had never seen before, suddenly launched into a diatribe about how much he hated “faggots” and was accusing my boyfriend of being one. I have never heard that horrid word used so many times or so quickly. I could see that my boyfriend wanted to retaliate, but this guy was obviously beyond reason, and I thought it would be far more trouble than it was worth. Apparently this guy thought I wasn’t aware that he had just decided what my boyfriend’s sexual orientation was; as soon as I started telling my boyfriend to not say anything, he told me I was going to be with “the biggest fag on this campus tonight.”
Um … What?
I don’t have room here to go into detail about the many reasons why this incident was disgusting and scary to witness. For my own sanity, I have to pretend that everyone reading this already knows, even though the fact that it even happened proves there are people out there who still don’t have a problem with this word.
But the way this guy used the word showed one more level of ignorance that I wouldn’t have expected. Whoever you are, what does that word even mean to you? If you are assuming a guy is dating a WOMAN, you also have to assume he is, by definition, probably not gay. Does your homophobia run so deep that you are now attacking people that fit your definition of “faggot” whether they identify as gay or not?
Because we both identify as straight, we decided to just walk away and not make any formal complaint. I have been second-guessing that decision a lot, though, because the entire thing would have been different if one of us had been gay or if it had been a gay couple in our place. We did not take it personally, and we were never worried about our safety at any point. But I know that if I had been gay, I would have taken it very personally and been very, very scared.
For gay students, this would have been hate speech. For us, as straight individuals, it was just some drunken asshole on the bus. But why should these two incidents be any different? Both of them are fueled by the same ignorance, hatred and deep-seated biases. And who’s to say that a student who is capable of running his mouth this way to a straight couple wouldn’t be willing to be even more verbally abusive— or even physically violent—when faced with a gay couple? The fact that I was able to separate myself and my boyfriend from the situation just by thinking “it wasn’t as bad because we’re straight” is dangerous. That’s like thinking “the attempt to bomb that building was no big deal because the bomb was a dud so no one got hurt; we would have pressed charges if it had gone off.” The would-be bomber is still fully capable of doing it successfully.
A lesser cause for my regret about not reporting this is that it would have been an interesting test of our campus judicial process. Having thankfully never had reason to be involved with it, I really have no idea how it works. I would love to see how we as a community would have dealt with the “dud bomb.” If anyone could give me insight into this—members of J Board, for example—I would love to hear from you, whether through a Letter to the Editor or a personal e-mail.
This was honestly one of the worst things that could have happened to me this close to graduation. I know it’s wrong to let one student’s actions color my opinion of our whole campus, but I’ve never been so disappointed in Gustavus. Looking back on these past four years, I was just allowing myself to contemplate in wonder how much I and those around me have grown since we first came here. This incident knocked my feet right out from under me. It was a shocking—albeit maybe necessary—wake-up call, forcing me to consider the terrifying homophobia that is still present in our community. I’m so angry at you, whoever you are, for taking away a part of my joy and hope for Gustavus’ future right before I leave it forever.
But it’s worthless to fight anger with more anger. Despite wanting to punch that guy in the jaw, I’m still glad that I didn’t say or do anything and that I insisted my boyfriend do the same. Giving him what I felt he deserved at the time wouldn’t have changed what a jerk he was being; it would have really only caused a hassle for us. Just to get it off my chest, though: whoever you are, I hope your toilet overflows and your milk goes sour and you stub your toe the next time you are getting out of the shower and the next person you ask on a date tells you you’re ugly and smelly.
There. I feel better now.
After that thoroughly unproductive personal jab, I need to do the only productive thing I can think of, short of pressing charges against this guy. This is a call to the students who will not be graduating, but returning next fall. So many students, faculty, staff and administrators who have been here before you or are still here have fought racism, sexism, homophobia and all other kinds of bigotry and bias that have been visible on this campus. Some of you have already joined them in this fight, but as for the rest of you: you need to take up where they have left off. Every one of you.
Acceptance is our only hope for freedom. Don’t buy into these disgusting and self-defeating ways of thinking. Take care of yourself and everyone around you as best you can, regardless of who they are. Fight anyone who says you should do differently every day, not with violence but with the power of your own life as an example.
I can’t look back on my decision to come to Gustavus with anything but regret if I know that it is succumbing to the hatred and fear that drives this bigotry. Open your mind to the possibility that Gustavus can be a better place and that, as long as you are a student here, making this school a better place is the best way for you to make the world a better place.
Make me proud, Gustavus.
Looks like he forgot about your right to not be offended. That must be in the consititution right before the first amendment, somewhere around the right to abortion, correct?
Obviously it wasn’t appropriate of him, but appeal to us on better terms than that, perhaps like responsibility, virtue, and mutual obligations.
Not omgosh just think if he was gay, man I should press charges, and find out how Jboard works…. ummya
Though I’m not sure what Jeff is getting at in his first paragraph about the author’s rights, I agree with his later comments.
This is an important issue that did not deserve to be pigeon-holed by this badly written article. The use of this word is clearly offensive in any context, so while the story of the author’s experience can provide a valuable framework to open a discussion, readers have been left wondering when and where this discussion will take place.
“Badly-written article”??? I thought it was very well done. Of course, Mary Cooley, if YOU’VE written something more cogent and compelling on the topic, I’d love to read it — just point it out.
It’s nice to see the topic addressed, and maybe a real discussion will ensue. It’s been years since I graduated from GAC, and I don’t remember it as a homophobic environment. Can things actually have changed for the worse, here in the 21st century?
First of all, thanks for all of the comments, everyone. Feedback is great.
Jeff: I certainly don’t believe that I have a definite right to not be offended, and I hope I made it clear that this incident was about MORE than just an offensive action. Like I say in the article, I almost wrote this off as nothing more than an annoying encounter, until I began thinking about the GLBT individuals who are important to me. Once I realized that this would have been much more than just offensive, but actually threatening, to them, I thought it should be more than just offensive to me.
Like Mary, I don’t entirely understand what you are getting at in your sarcastic reference to abortions. However, I suspect you are making an assumption about my beliefs relating to other hot-button issues; are you assuming I am a “liberal” who believes in the right to abortion? Perhaps it would be constructive to leave references to other issues not directly related to this article out of the comments, even if they are used in a sarcastic manner.
Even though I don’t use the same terms as you, I do believe that I ask readers to consider “responsibility, virtue, and mutual obligations” as a response to this incident, particularly in the last paragraph. If you would like to elaborate on how I could have done this better, please do. But please don’t make fun of me in the process. I don’t particularly appreciate the insinuation that I am stupid, present in the last sentence of your post. I will respect future comments from you more if they don’t include personal attacks on my intelligence.
Mary: Please elaborate on why you consider this article to be “badly-written”. I really appreciate constructive criticism. However, without more specific criticisms, I feel this comment is generally unhelpful.
I would have loved to elaborate more on where this discussion could take place (and is taking place), but didn’t for two reasons. First of all, I made the mistake of assuming that all readers have the same point of view on Gustavus that I do. I felt I was involved in discussions about GLBT issues on a very regular basis at Gustavus, whether it be through conversations with my friends in social settings, or discussions in the classroom, or attending many of the wonderful events put on by Q&A, . Forgetting that other students don’t or didn’t get this exposure, I thought it more important to discuss this particular incident and what it meant to me. That was probably close-minded of me. Secondly, I was greatly limited by space. So it goes with writing for any newspaper. I had to cut this short after it was well over the 500-800 word limit that is typical of commentaries in the Weekly. I thought it would be best to avoid generalities and focus on this one incident, while still including a message of what I thought could be done by members of the Gustavus community. Admittedly, this resulted in an outrageously non-specific conclusion to my article. On the other hand, does my article really need to dictate when and where future discussion needs to take place? I don’t think it is asking to much of the reader to take on the responsibility of filling in the framework and creating his or her own discussions.
Steve: Thanks for the positive comments. You do say that “maybe a real discussion will ensue”, but as I pointed out to Mary, I believe that discussions are already happening. I think the real hope is that new people will get involved in these already dynamic and passionate discussions. I definitely don’t consider GAC to be a homophobic environment, but instead a community with a lot of different people holding a lot of different opinions, some of them potentially homophobic. I think, in my attempt to express the intensity of my feelings about this issue, I came across sounding a bit more pessimistic than I actually am. 🙂