Here are some things that sum up American culture at this juncture in time.

Ketchup, the number one condiment, a shiny, disgusting tripe. Corn syrup and tomato concentrate, sputtering messily and measily out of a garish plastic bottle. Think about it. But wait, you can’t eat a burger without it.

And burgers are good. Best not think too hard about it. Also, at the grocery store the other day, I saw energy meat sticks. Yes, really. Like Slim Jim meets Monster Energy drink. It’s like gas station cuisine in one shrink-wrapped package.

Also, there is a group of conspiracy theorists on the internet convinced that the world is governed by a cabal of transdimensional shapeshifting lizard people. These lizards include all bankers, all presidents, and all leaders. Look it up. Don’t believe me? Or are you ONE OF THEM?? The lack of evidence for their existence is further evidence of the extent of their control over the media and our minds!

Just to perpetuate our climate of fear: January is an ideal time to test your home for radon.

Another one: Can a protest culture ever exist in today’s America? No. Does anyone care about anything? Yes, somebody out there does, but no way in hell will there ever be a protest culture… Facebook and Guitar Hero are far too alluring. The fake protest movements of the Tea Parties, conceived in boardrooms and fed to the public through massive media conglomerates, are going to be as close as we get for awhile until there is something actually worth getting up in arms about.

The most popular game in America features a level where you mow down dozens of civilians in a crowded airport. Edgy challenge to our fears and conceptions of safety in the terrorist age? Nope. Shameless controversy-stoking and publicity attempt feeding off America’s fetish for meaningless violence? Probably. And it works.

America is a sad place at the bottom of its psyche, driven and distracted by massive spectacle. Yes, we have a great material wealth unmatched in most of the world. But so what? What does that mean? What value does that imbue to us besides comfort?

Lest you think I am some vacant, fire-breathing America hater, let me introduce to you the point of this essay (to show that things are too complicated to be either good or bad.)

Truly, in my opinion, my favorite part of American culture, in a completely non-bitter, non-farcical, non-sarcastic sense is our creative culture, particularly rock and the entire concept of “popular music.” I think it is uniquely American. And it’s just so damn awesome.

First, it requires a level of industrialization and material wealth. You need coal plants to power the amplifiers and factories to mass-produce the guitars. The power of rock music would be impossible without these things.

Secondly, the consumer culture of the 50s-60s allowed laymen to access instruments. It made creating music accessible to the masses.

Thirdly, the cultural mixing of Africans and immigrants in America allowed the musical fusions present in rock. While the powers that be can subvert and co-opt these creative movements, it still simmers beneath everything. So if America may be responsible for laying waste to entire countries and fostering a sick culture of violence,and it has also brought us bitchin’ power chords, shredding, and damaged ear drums. And that’s enough for me.