Dear Reader:

You are about to read a highly classified document. It is the most singularly elusive compilation of legal papers seen by man since those found in Burn After Reading. This is the Holy Grail of the GOP, dear reader. Do not leave it carelessly lying about for every cabana boy, Drag Queen or female stand up comedienne to pick up and peruse; they probably already have their own copy.

That’s right. You are about to read the Gay Agenda.

The Agenda has been in existence for several years, but only now, with our new terrorist-in-disguise president in office and a flamingly liberal Congress in session, can we truly subvert the morals of America and corrupt every Tom, Dick and Fairy.

If you are asked about the Gay Agenda, you will deny its existence. You will claim you simply wish to promote human rights, tolerance and equality for all. Of course, this is a lie. Everyone knows we homophiles have secretly placed our own plans and programs before all others, including the economy and dependence on foreign oil.

Long-Term Objectives of the Gay Agenda (a.k.a. Operation Send America to Hell in a Hand Basket):

– Destroy the American nuclear family — somehow.

– Publish more anti-clerical books like The Golden Compass. The Vatican must, MUST be undermined, and what better way to do so than with best-selling literature delivering a thinly veiled message to destroy God and organized religion?

– Abort heterosexual couples’ babies. Stop the Breeders from reproducing and start doing more stem cell research!

– Oppress WHAMs at all costs. They are onto our conspiracies to “keep the White Heterosexual American Male” down. We must therefore make it difficult for them to get into colleges, and then we shall take away their jobs.

– Begin Operation Queer Kids, wherein grade schoolers K-5 be inoculated with Formula 666, a.k.a. Satan’s Gay Virus. The inoculation teams will also provide the children with toys of inappropriate gender specification (example: boys shall be sent home with dollies and Easy Bake Ovens; girls shall receive G.I. Joes and Lincoln Logs).

– Begin a wave of Leviticus Abstention. It shall be an orgy of blatant disregard for all the laws found in Leviticus. Snails, pelicans, hare, and any animal that walks on its paws shall be served around the clock for our dining pleasure. We shall have intercourse with our father’s wives as they menstruate. In the downtime we shall curse the deaf and trip blind men as they walk past us, and our priests shall clip the bald spots in their hair or beards. Our activities will make Jesus himself turn in his grave … oh wait…

Short Term Objectives:

– Get Sean Penn an Oscar for Milk.

– Convert a family member, friend or someone you know to switch sides. We suggest starting slowly, perhaps by renting a season of Will & Grace or Project Runway. Then introduce The L Word and Queer as Folk to their repertoire.

– Take your potential new believer shopping at Express for Men or Wet Seal. Lend them a Scissor Sisters or Rilo Kiley CD and ask them about their favorite song. Finally, clinch the deal: women, invite your quarry to a rugby practice; men, invite your bloke to audition for the next main stage theatrical production.
Elect the following celebrities to national office: Lance Bass, Portia di Rossi, Cynthia Nixon, Jodie Foster and Neil Patrick Harris.

– Allow Bert to cohabitate with Ernie on Sesame Street. Ideally, the reunited friends will share a bed again, but this time shirtless and with Peaches tattoos. Similarly, we must petition to get Tinky Winky back on Teletubbies. How else can we subtly corrupt the youth of America than by exposing them to purple, purse toting, triangle-wielding, giggling, effeminate mascots?

– Put Lindsay Lohan back in the closet. She is not one of us, and she gives us a bad name.

These are the objectives of the Gay Agenda. Some are lofty; some are ungodly (but of course, so is our lifestyle). It may take years for many of these goals to come to fruition, but Global Domination and Moral Destruction are the manifest destinies of the GLBT community. Be sure to recruit as many of your straight friends as possible and infect your local community members with the contagious lifestyle. Let us spread our mayhem, menace and evil one unconstitutional gay marriage at a time!

Oh, and by reading the Gay Agenda, you too are now gay. You are already looking fabulous.