Jesus Christ, as of today, has officially entered his bid for president of the United States of America. He will be running as the Toga Party candidate where he narrowly defeated Little Caesar and John Belushi in the primary process. Despite Jesus’ age of over 2,000 years, he is expected to bring new life and energy to the already tight race and has promised to end all problems by 2016 (see Apocalypse Program). It will be interesting to see how the other candidates will react to this announcement, seeing as how they all claim to worship him.

When asked why he decided to enter the race, Jesus said, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life, and I don’t believe any of the other candidates can say that.” This is the type of straight talk that has given him a surge in the most recent polls. He leads with an impressive 75 percent of the vote, but he has said that he still needs to reach out to agnostics, atheists and voters of other faiths to reach his goals. One of his twelve closest advisers told us that his goal is to reach 100 percent by the end of the campaign. That would be quite an accomplishment for someone so new on the campaign trail.

Many believe that it is his strong support from the evangelical community that has really allowed his candidacy to make such an immediate impact, but some evangelical leaders are holding out to see where he stands on certain social issues. “We don’t want to rush into anything before we know that Jesus is going to stand with us on the moral and biblical principles that we live our lives by,” said Reverend Stu B. Born. Most evangelicals I talked to said they will pray to Jesus asking whether or not they should vote for him.

Economic and other domestic issue voters have also moved to his campaign due to his radical new cost cutting ideas and planned reforms of the healthcare system. He has already laid out his new plan to feed the world with just two loaves of bread and a couple fish, but his critics say he is just pandering for votes. “Jesus is being completely insensitive to those Americans who are allergic to gluten,” said Marilyn Manson, the only public figure to come out publicly against the Jesus campaign.

Mr. Christ also plans to improve our nation’s healthcare system by completely removing all ailments. When confronted with how he plans to accomplish this unheard of feat, he said, “There’s nothing a little spit and mud can’t cure.”

One spot of weakness in Jesus’ campaign is that he was not actually born in America, but rather in the region of modern-day Israel. He asserts, however, that his biological father, God Almighty, has had a place in what is now America for millions of years and also played an integral part in its founding. Many constitutional scholars believe that he has no right to run for the presidency, but the bizarre deaths by lightning-strike of the past week have made these dissenters much more reluctant to speak out. God has declined to comment.

The big question now is who he will choose to run as his vice president. Oprah Winfrey, Mel Gibson and Chuck Norris have been the most popular names floating around the political talk shows, but televangelist Pat Robertson told me that he talked to Jesus last night and he thinks it will be someone unexpected. One reporter gave Jesus a list of possible candidates for the position ranked from 1 to 100, but Jesus responded to the list by saying, “As of right now, the last could be first or the first could be last, but I am definitely carefully considering a number of different people.”

This is Jesus’ first race in America, but in his home region he once lost a landslide vote in the Roman Empire. For three days, many pundits thought his political career was dead, but Jesus was determined to persevere and recovered with help from his father. “My father is someone who has always stuck by me during the tough times,” said Jesus.

Love him or hate him, Jesus has taken the nation by storm, and this presidential race will undoubtedly capture the world’s attention. For the forty-third time, Jesus will be a major factor in who will become our next president, only this time he will actually be on the ballot.

Andrew Evenson