Hello, significant other. I am so glad we were able to schedule some time together. Between my chemistry club meetings, my volunteer events, my job, my six classes, orchestra rehearsal and writing my thesis, things can get a little crazy.
What do you mean, “We need to talk?” We are talking. Right here in the Caf between my eight o’clock class and my nine o’clock class. OK, fine, we can talk, but first I need a coffee. I was up until 3:00 a.m. doing a seminar paper.
OK, I’m back. Sorry, the line was long. You have me for six more minutes.
Wait … Break up? BREAK UP!? You think we should BREAK UP!? I can’t break up with you, I don’t have time!
OK, I know you’re upset, but think of my position! Breaking up requires so much work and time and dedication! I am involved in too many organizations and groups to throw “breaking up” into the mix.
Do you have any idea what you’re asking me to do? A parting of ways would require me to go through my room and take out all of your stuff! Do you have any idea how many pictures of us there are on my walls? Picking off the sticky tack alone would take hours. And over time I have hoarded an assortment of shirts and boxers of yours that I should probably wash before returning. But I don’t do laundry until next Tuesday. If you wanted your clothes now I’d have to do an extra load before that weekly scheduled time. But I have my Small Group Communication Presentation on Friday, so don’t expect your clothes anytime before then.
Then there’s also the text messages and voicemails and Facebook messages! I’ll have to take the time to go through them one by one and erase them! And no, I can’t just erase the whole Inbox; that means I’ll lose good ones unrelated to you. You can’t toss the baby out with the bathwater, idiot.
We haven’t even gotten into the hours of required emotional grieving. I’ll need to call two to three of my girlfriends, coordinate a night when we can- all meet, and weep for the necessary amount of time. I predict this “Girl Talk” will take an hour and a half, though maybe if we’re all there on time and stay on task we can get it down to an hour. But still, do you understand the difficulty in finding a free hour during the week in which four women can all meet at a predetermined spot? Boy, you are naïve!
And what about us? What if I come upon an old diary entry or a movie that reminds me of you and makes me yearn for closure? I do not have room in my agenda to squeeze in a “Search Soul for Answers to Former Relationship Quandaries” episode. And what if someday I’m walking on my way to class and you pass me by and we are forced to have an awkward post-break-up attempt at conversation? The stuttering, forced laughter, and aimless small talk about “How you’re doing” could take one, maybe even two whole minutes! I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of time to waste between classes!
Speaking of which, Organic Chemistry starts in thirty seconds. I should probably go. I’m glad we were able to exchange ideas and opinions regarding this issue; but, unfortunately, at this point I must deny your request to end our relationship. However, if in the following weeks you find you are still dissatisfied with our situation, give me a call after May 2 when my thesis is due. I might have time to break up with you then.