Bella Loxtercamp – Squirrel Investigator The following message comes from a news article written by the squirrels. Gustavus’s branch of the Federal Squirrel Investigation (FSI) intercepted and translated it early this morning. It may be unsettling to some readers. Proceed at your own risk. Education is good. You didn’t need me to tell you that. Video games don’t give the same salaries, job opportunities, or futures … Continue reading Breaking news: humans more intelligent than we thought

Jonas Doerr – Opinion Writer Are Gusties really golden? We are the Golden Gusties, after all, but would it be more appropriate to call us the Yellow Gusties instead? Before you throw me out for sheer ridiculousness, let me explain. I’m not talking about the people actually looking golden. I have never seen anyone resembling C-3PO wandering around campus, and I’m sure I never will. Maybe … Continue reading Are gusties really golden?

Clare Greeman – Average Sitcom Watcher I’ve had some years to reflect and I still don’t understand why Friends experienced such a large resurgence. The power of nostalgia is strong; I’ll be the first to admit that it’s practically my whole ‘writing brand’, but I never thought that things that were boring, badly developed, and lacking any depth would be impervious to this power. Because with … Continue reading Why How I Met Your Mother is better than Friends

Cadence Paramore – Squirrel Translator We have always feared the Furless Giants. They would shoo us and call us “rodents.” It never bothered me, but I learned to stay away. To avoid interaction. I lived most of my life scrounging on what nuts I could find from local trees and feasting on the Furless One’s remains that they’d place into strange plastic containers. I thought I … Continue reading An ode to the furless giants