What follows is sure to be controversial. I’ve spent my entire tenure as a commentary writer attempting to talk about controversial things. I think, however, I have finally found out how to do this: talk about things about which people hold a wide variety of opinions, and about which they care immensely. My previous articles on religion, gender, gun control, hate, diversity and what it means to be a Gustie have missed the mark in this regard. I assume by the lack of letters to the editor in response to these articles that most everyone here is in agreement on those topics. So, I’m turning to an even more controversial subject: how to be awesome.

There is no Department of Awesome here at Gustavus and, if there were, it’d probably be underfunded and made up of four or five professors. So, because no one is teaching us to be awesome, we have to learn for ourselves. I’ve spent the last four years doing an independent study in awesome, and I’ve found that there are at least five steps to being awesome of which people ought to be aware.

This is a biased list, for sure, but I hope it is of use to you as you go about the rest of your college life in pursuit of the one goal we all share: awesomeness. So without further ado, five steps to being awesome as I see them:

1. Don’t be mean—It’s just a bad idea to be a mean person. Meanness and lameness directly correlate. For instance: do you know who was a pretty famous mean person in the last century? Hitler. Do you know who else? Stalin. Do you want to know who wasn’t a mean person? Gandhi. Now, tell me which of these three people was awesome. If you don’t answer Gandhi, you are mean. Not even Scandinavia is neutral on that.

2. Share with others—Word around town is that people like it when you share things with them. Sharing makes people happy; same thing goes for doing them favors. And because being happy is undoubtedly awesome, so are sharing and doing favors. Share something with someone and you know what happens? Instant friendship. Friends are awesome.

3. Disagree with people—There are few things more awesome than disagreeing with people. In fact, I’m pretty sure a lot of good things in the world come from a disagreement of some sort. Example: a long time ago, there was a group of cave people sitting around in—well, a cave—thinking about how nice a good cold cave was. At some point, one of the cave people stood up, presumably brandishing a bone of some sort, and stated that contrary to what was being said by everyone else, a warm cave was better than a cold cave. This cave person then gave an impassioned speech about how nice it would be to have something that made caves warmer, allowed people to cook food and generally prevented death by hypothermia. The outcome of this debate was the use of fire as a tool. Fire is awesome. And it all started because someone disagreed about the benefits of cold caves. This is a lesson all too important for those of us dealing with the occasional cold-blooded roommate inherent in dorm life.

4. Relax—There’s a reason most of us are always trying to relax: it’s awesome. One time, I sat down in a chair and didn’t do anything for at least a day, maybe more. True story. It was such an awesome experience that I can’t remember exactly how long I did it for. You want more proof? People who aren’t stressed out all the time (i.e. people who are relaxed) live longer, healthier lives than other people.

I don’t know about you, but I think life is pretty awesome, and it would be pretty cool to get more of it.

So you know what, occasionally just don’t go to class, or deal with your other responsibilities for that matter. There are times for class/work and times for relaxing.

5. Don’t be a tool—Chances are, if you’re a tool, you’re probably already failing at the preceding four steps. However, this bears repeating if only because no tool can be awesome no matter what he or she does. A tool is defined by the inability to think for yourself, a contentment with the way things are and a penchant for dressing up as Spartans, slutty bunnies/cops/cats/etc. whenever costumes are required. Admittedly, many of you may not agree with me on this last one. If this is the case, I recommend you glance back up at step four and see where it takes you.

So there you have it: the culmination of four years of independent study in awesomeness. Consider this my thesis.