* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but are a baby hen in the lepord’s den. Feeling chagrin, but once again, all the king’s men give the story a spin and make it seem like egg laying’s a sin. This is wearing thin.

Friday, March 23

G.O.L.D. Course: Productive Frustration Beck Hall 119 3:30 p.m.

Tantric Business

48 Hour Theatre Project Auditions Black Box 1:45 p.m.

This time it won’t just feel like you’ve been in Anderson for days.

Education Under Fire Alumni Hall 7:00 p.m.

The story of night school before electricity.

Saturday, March 24

President’s Ball Landmark Center, Saint Paul 5:00 p.m. It’s just the one.

Sunday, March 25

The Sesquicentennial Music Showcase University of Minnesota 2:00 p.m.

This. Right here. This is the only place on campus where you will ever see the word “Sesquicentennial” not spelled phonetically.

Savor it.

Monday, March 26

Get a Job with Foreign Language Vickner 108 5:30 p.m.

Perfect. Everything that comes up on my background check is in English.

Fiction Reading: John Jodzio & Alethea Black Interpretive Center 7:00 p.m.

These are the people that everyone in Firethorne thinks they write like.

Lutheran World Relief in Colombia Olin 103 7:00 p.m.

They’ve recently suffered a crippling epidemic of upper middle class American do-gooders.

Tuesday, March 27

Pathways to Communication Careers St. Paul Campus 3:30 p.m.

I’m forging my own path. For twenty bucks I’ll break into your targets’ home while they sleep, lower myself over their bed with a syringe of sleeping serum, slap them in the face, scream your message and then knock them out again with the syringe.

… It’s a niche market I’m going for.

Wednesday, March 28

T-Shirt and Shorts Sale in the Book Mark The Book Mark All Day

The secret war between Marketing and the Nudist Club continues.

Body Weight Strength & Conditioning Lund 217 12:40 p.m.

How the nudists fight back. Beach bods.

Thursday, March 29

Yoga, GHP Fitness Class Lund 224 12:40 p.m.

I tried yoga once. I went out to a remote part of the forest with a famous Yogi … but that mo-f&*ker couldn’t focus on anything but picnic baskets.

In the Wake of the Vikings: Lecture Confer 127 4:00 p.m.

Short answer: raped and pillaged.

Fika! Swedish House 9:00 p.m.

… of course, things change.

Shady Horoscope

Aries: You’ll fail your Strength’s Quest test.

Taurus: Have you noticed that the Gustavus memes thing has sort of died out?

I think it should stay that way.

Gemini: On the plus side, pandas are going to start reproducing. On the down side … only if they ‘re making eye contact with you.

Cancer: Gustavus will be starting a Hedonists Club. Come to the first meeting for baby sloth cakes and porn.

Leo: The next generation of iPad will have a hoverboard app. Because Marty McFly promised us.

Virgo: The Zodiac ain’t telling you a damn thing this week.

You know what you did.

Libra: You’re gonna win the lottery. Go ahead. Try me. (And if I’m right I get half.)

Scorpio: You’re going to get really into Breaking Bad.

Sagittarius: The last question on your mid- term will be“Defeat your professor in hand to hand combat.

Capricorn: Careful if its in the religion department, though. It’s a trick question.

Aquarius: You’ll die while reading a news paper.

Pisces: I don’t think Aaron Carter actually beat Shaq.