Kaylene Kerber – Opinions Columnist
What do you do when you find yourself lost in the great American Midwest in the middle of a corn maze with nothing but your heart and love of corn mazes to guide you? Many state that putting your right hand on the corn maze wall is an effective way to get out, as it is all one connected tunnel and will outline the design. However, that technique is used by those that babble about psychology, by nerds and cowards. There must be another way.
If you find yourself in this eerie situation, first recognize that there are lots of ears of corn and being lost is unsettling. I always start by curling up in the fetal position and crying for a little bit. This waters the corn, serving as a sacrifice to ensure you are in their favor and will not be harmed. Little known fact: corn is one of the true protectors of human life. Now, you have three options.
ONE. Eat your way out of the corn maze. This process will take a lot of time, including planning ahead. You know what they say– it is always a good plan to start a corn maze on an empty stomach. You don’t need to know where the exits are when you can make your own. This method embodies the type of hard work and entrepreneurship that today’s youth are missing. Get on that grind! If you aren’t consuming corn, you’re losing. Only the weak take the time to shuck the corn beforehand. I like my corn with the shell, thank you. Some may be concerned about eating the corn, as corn has attained a god-like status. Eat its flesh anyway. I believe that this is the ideal option for getting out of corn mazes. With the prices of food continually rising, it is rare to get a meal and some entertainment for relatively cheap, making this the most economical option. Plus, it will save you from the psychological horrors of the alternatives.
TWO. This option might be grim; it does require some amount of insanity, but college students tend not to be very close to sane anyways (especially STEM majors.) So, here’s the deal: You need to become consumed by corn in mind and spirit. You don’t know anything but corn. You don’t remember a life before the corn maze. In order to commit to this option you must discard all earthly possessions and reconfigure your identity to serve the corn. Everything about modern society is meaningless. Meaning can only be derived from the kernels themselves. Set up camp in a quaint village near the corn maze, all the children of which also worship the corn. Nevermind the whispering of demons in the cornfield or sacrificing. Your life revolves around corn and your love for it.
THREE. Dig for it. Just start digging until you hit elevation -60, where you can find diamonds. Go all mole on the corn maze. You need to go pretty deep or you are likely to run into corn roots. There is always the slight chance that you dig up only to find yourself still in the corn maze. The worst is when it happens to be an entirely different corn maze. That’s just embarrassing.
Know coming into the corn maze what escape option you are opting for. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Corn mazes can be very fun, but without proper planning, one can easily fall victim to the stalks.