Kaylene Kerber – Opinions Columnist
Look out astrology! There is a new way to distinguish the characteristics of one’s personality. Just take a look at whatever writing utensil a person happens to use to express their inner thoughts with. As an undergraduate Psychology student, I have unwarranted confidence that I know perceive people better than they know. Therefore there is no one more qualified to talk about what a pen, pencil, or more says about you.
First we will examine the minds of those who write with a BIC mechanical pencil Xtra-life with 0.7mm lead. These are the pencils of those who wish to be left unnoticed. People aren’t going to ask you for a pencil, but they aren’t going to judge your writing utensil choice either. You prefer to sit in the back of the classroom. When going out to eat with your friends it takes you 30 minutes to decide what you want to order. You would consider yourself indecisive- or actually, you wouldn’t describe yourself in that way, but maybe you are…or aren’t. However, an important distinction should be made. If the clip of the mechanical pencil is broken off, you probably just found that pencil on the floor. You, floor scrounger, are playing a dangerous game- you live life on the edge. There might be days that you scramble for a pencil ten minutes before class. If an essay is due at midnight you have it in by 11:59, but for you, things always seem to work out in the end.
If you write with a Ticonderoga pencil then you probably have invested a good amount of time studying history. You can’t help it if you prefer the “simpler times” when pencils were made of wood and Queen Elizabeth was still around. Despite your vigorous studies, you make time for the arts and are quite fond of classical music and theater.
Anyone with those plastic wrapped pencils are whimsical and still have a childlike wonder. The possibilities are endless, it could be a free insurance themed pencil you got from a parade or it could be a Transformers themed pencil from a book fair. There is a hint of self- hatred that is necessary to continue to write with them, however. Though as the erasers are never good, usually causing the paper psychical pain, and the plastic peels off in undesirable ways which usually resulting in stabbing their users victims. In short, a plastic wrapped pencil is the high heel of writing utensils. T, they seem fun and cute, but those who use them are in pain either physically or emotionally.
People who happen to write with a Pilot Black G2 pen don’t fear death. Any stroke of their pen isn’t a mistake, you are just interpreting it wrong. I meant to spell the word brain as brian. They have the confidence of a business major and the will power of an education major, which can be a dangerous combination in the wrong hands. They are bold and that is exactly what you need, they have decided. Many complain that the pens smudge;, those who frequently use Pilot Black G2’s rebuttal: do better. If they smudge, that is a sign of weakness on your part and only those of the strongest constitution can wield this pen.
Those who write with a BIC black pen seem to be a practical bunch. They are down to earth. They understand that what is most important isn’t the utensil but what you make with it. These people are always the ones to offer up their writing utensils.
An erasable pen is undiagnosed imposter syndrome.
People who have a large collection of colored pens most likely have nursing major energy. They are prepared for any possible outcome. Their desk is probably the cleanest thing on campus; you could probably perform surgery on item operation on their desk. It is just, it’s so neat and hygienic. They have all of their syllabi memorized and honor them as deeply as a patriot does with the Pledge of Allegiance. Every minute of their day is planned out to the minute, including their crying sessions.
Those who scrawl with thy turkey feather and ink happen to frame thy life ‘round hit musical Hamilton. When their John Hancock is upon request they most nobly unpack their quill and ink to flaunt their signature for all to see. These personages relearned the cursive alphabet and always dot their “i”s.
The final type of person I know this concept may be hard for a lot of you to understand, but I have seen them with my own eyes: so bear with me. those who write with exclusively red or green pens, who those people do exist, by the way. Not that it’s not just a part of their pen collection, but they but that they literally only have one color of pen and it isn’t black or blue. These people enjoy chaos, they are fans of anarchy, not because they think people are innately good, but because they love to see the world burn. They are the ones that would order an eye- opener and ask for two extra shots of espresso. Watch out for these people.
After this crash course I hope you will find it easier to judge your classmates from afar and are better equipped to assess your own “vibes”. Go out into the world Gusties, more judgy and more self-aware!