Jonas Doerr – Opinion Columnist

They’re everywhere. The Caf. The library. The sidewalks. Even bathrooms sometimes. The only way to escape them is to hole up in one’s dorm, and even that’s not foolproof. What is this menace that lurks on the Gustavus campus? “Friends.”
As the saying goes, there are three types of people in the world: friends, not-friends, and “friends.” Everyone knows who their friends are; they are people one chooses to spend time with. They are the type of people who help get those cheese curds when the ol’ meal account is running low and the pal who consoles you when Gus the Lion walks past without giving you a high five.
Not-friends are pretty straightforward. Most of the time one does not even know their name, or they are the sort of person who does not wait five seconds to hold the door for people or don’t say “Ope” when they accidentally run into somebody. Maybe they are even so vile that they eat the cookie, frosting, and sprinkles separately from a Frost-Your-Own. Not many of those people exist, however. Most non-friends are just random people.
“Friends,” on the other hand, are the dangerous type. They are the people that you sort of know, but not really. You probably know their name, and maybe they sat behind you in your First-year seminar, but you have never talked to them outside of class. Or maybe they picked up the fork you dropped, but the passionate, thankful eye contact afterwards is a distant memory now.
But why are these people dangerous? What could be wrong with having acquaintances? Imagine this scenario: You are walking innocently down the sidewalk when seemingly out of nowhere “Bob” appears. You only know him from that one club – should you wave? Smile? Cry? Does he even remember you? Panic overtakes you and you stare furiously at the sidewalk and walk as fast as possible past “Bob”.
Does this sound terrifying and all too real? It happens to hundreds of Gusties to some extent every day. But how can one deal with this awkward situation? How does one walk past these “friends” successfully?
With non-friends it is very simple. Just keep walking. And with friends it is quite easy as well; of course you say hi. Maybe you even give them a big hug and start a conversation that neither of you really have time for but is still worth it because you are friends.
With “friends”, however, everything is risky. Ignoring them seems cold and heartless. Giving them a big hug is wildly uncalled for and slightly creepy. Staring down at a phone raises the danger of crashing into people, light posts, or the random cement cylinders that seem to serve no purpose around campus.
The course of action that would make the most sense would be to look at them, smile, and say hi. Friendly people are popular, and who doesn’t like being smiled at in a pleasant way? If they are paying attention, they will probably say hi back.
There are legitimate concerns about this approach, though. For example, what if they just ignore you? What if they think you are weird? What if you get their name wrong?
However, most of these fears are just the result of overthinking everything. If they ignore your friendly wave, probably they just did not see you. In general, it is extremely rude to ignore someone waving and to not wave back, so that scenario seems pretty unlikely unless they are simply not paying attention.
And almost certainly they will not think that you are weird. Think about when acquaintances waved at you. Most likely, you did not think the person was weird for saying hi. Maybe it was even kind of nice to feel popular. Most people would appreciate the friendly gesture of a wave and greeting.
It is still possible to get their name wrong, though. Messing up someone’s name is a very awkward situation, but there are a few solutions. The first option is to only say hi and smile without saying their name. This approach could reveal that you do not actually know their name, especially if they show that they clearly know your name. It is very uncomfortable to have a name dancing around in your head that is probably the right name but maybe not. The best approach is to be direct about it and just say their name, or whatever you think it is. That way either Voila! You are right! Or else they correct you and you get it right in the future.
So why aren’t you already going outside and saying hi to people? Never avoid your “friends” again; just look them in the eye, smile, and wave your awkwardness goodbye.