* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the opening to the Declaration of Independence. Had to tell the king what’s what.
Friday, Nov. 22
Talents and Treats: Norelius Hall 7 p.m.
Trick or treating is for untalented people that didn’t make the cut for this event.
Pure Movement Plus: The Choreographer’s Gallery: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
And go to the Dive later on for Impure Movement Plus.
Weekend Movie: Fruitvale Station: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
C’mon, CAB. Pick movies I can make tasteful jokes about . . .
Saturday, Nov. 23
Gustie Cup Dodgeball: Lund Forum 2 p.m.
Looking back, Lance Armstrong’s cameo in Dodgeball doesn’t seem like such a great idea.
International Festival: Alumni Hall 6 p.m.
Chad and Georgia are saying Iran with Jordan.
Weekend Movie: Fruitvale Station: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Michael B. Jordan is in this?! I haven’t seen him in a movie since Space Jam.
North Pole SNL: Lund Center 10 p.m.
If the Santa here is not the same as the one at the mall, I’m going to tell everyone. TRUTH TO THE PEOPLE!
Sunday, Nov. 24
JAZZ in Concert: Bjorling Recital Hall 1:30 p.m.
The use of all caps in the title is just a sampling of how this concert’s volume is going to blow your f@#$ing eardrums out.
Weekend Movie: Fruitvale Station: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
Two Sundance movies in a row? Gustavus is so hipster.
The Gustavus Percussion Ensemble in Concert: Bjorling Recital Hall 7 p.m.
The bongo drum solo is going to blow the roof off of Bjorling.
Monday, Nov. 25
Gustavus Student Senate Meeting: Board Room 7 p.m.
I sure hope Student Senate can agree on stuff so Gustavus doesn’t shut down.
Opening Reception, Gallery Talk for Bruce McClain: Hillstrom Museum of Art 7 p.m.
The highlight of this event will be the unveiling of his completed Disney princess coloring book.
Thursday, Nov. 28
Cardio Mix: Lund 224 6:30 p.m.
A preemptive strike against Thanksgiving.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Only after I rise from my turkey- induced nap is it acceptable to play Christmas music.
Taurus: The real Hunger Games are when you are trying to get in line to pay at the Caf. I’ve seen a lot of good people fall.
Gemini: Michael Bay wants to make more Transformers movies. There is nothing to be thankful for this year.
Cancer: Nothing says Thanksgiving like turkey, pumpkin pie, and petty family arguments.
Leo: Who knows? Maybe the Lions will finally give Detroit something to be thankful for.
Virgo: I plan on eating 3.14159 pies this Thanksgiving.
Libra: Consequently, if I am not as large as a balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, I’ll be shocked.
Scorpio: Let’s Plymouth Rock this f@#$ing Thanksgiving.
Sagittarius: No turkey for me this year. I gotta stay fit and alert for Black Friday shopping.
Capricorn: The greatest trick the devil played was getting students to believe they’d be productive over Thanksgiving Break.
Aquarius: The backyard game of football sure is fun until your cousin’s collarbone snaps like the turkey’s wishbone.
Pisces: Sorry, vegetarians, I’ll include you a little more in the next issue.
Man spider is hawt.