* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The Gustavian Weekly, but rather the first few pages of National Treasure 3’s screenplay. Nic Cage is on board because he’s Nic f@#$ing Cage.
Friday, August 30
Move Into Your Residence Hall: 6:30 p.m.
And pray like hell it isn’t ninety f@#$ing degrees.
Orientation to Community Living: Residence Halls, Alumni Hall, Evelyn Young Dining Room 5 p.m.
This session will be extra important for our first-years coming from nomadic or hermitic backgrounds.
Candlelight Service: Christ Chapel 9 p.m.
No air conditioning in the dorm and now no lighting?!
Hypnotist Chaz King: Gus Young Court, Lund Center 10 p.m.
With a name like Chaz King, you almost have to be a hypnotist.
Saturday, August 31
Orientation Group Meeting: Various Locations 10 a.m.
You finally get to meet one of those mad people who accosted your car.
President’s Banquet: Evelyn Young Dining Room 5 p.m.
OBAMA IS COMING TO GUSTAVUS?!
Square Dance: Lund Arena Parking Lot 8 p.m.
The best geometrical dance there is.
Movie Night: Fast and Furious 6: Wallenburg Auditorium 9:30 p.m.
If there is anyone that can ease the transition from home to college, it’s Vin Diesel.
“Five Dollar” Dance: The Dive 10:30 p.m.
The pungent scent of thrift store will at least mask the smell of hormones that usually permeates the dance floor air.
Sunday, September 1
Opening the Doors to Christ Chapel: A Worship Exploration: Christ Chapel 10:30 a.m.
Just pull them.
Free Time: 3 p.m.
Don’t let them fool you; nothing here is free.
Movie Night: Fast and Furious 6: Wallenburg Auditorium 9:30 p.m.
No matter how much money these movies make, they will never undo the horrors of Tokyo Drift.
Grocery Bingo: Evelyn Young Dining Room 9:30 p.m.
Good thing this is so late, otherwise it would be bombarded by hungry, old people.
“Night of Neon” Dance: The Dive 10:30 p.m.
Black lights in The Dive will uncover horrors you couldn’t even begin to imagine.
Monday, September 2
Movie Night: Fast and Furious 6: Wallenburg Auditorium 9:30 p.m.
Some of the seats in Wallenberg are a little bit stiff, so you very well could get stuck between The Rock and a hard place.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aeris: You may notice some of these have to do with paying Gustavus. I’m a senior with bills to pay—deal with it.
Taurus: It’ll be a sad day for baseball if we learn that Babe Ruth used steroids.
Gemini: Ryan Reynolds movies are like the D students of the film industry.
Cancer: Pixar just needs to step up and do the Fifty Shades movie already.
Leo: I hope President Ohle will be able to live off social security after he retires.
Virgo: But really, Ohle’s legacy will probably equate to Gustie Friday’s legacy.
Libra: Ben Affleck can’t give the finger to all the critics of his casting as Batman because he’s holding his two motherf@#$ing Oscars.
Scorpio: Bob Barker should have been preaching abstinence only when talking about pet control on The Price is Right.
Sagittarius: When looking to watch a TV show about choral ensembles, DON’T watch The Sopranos.
Capricorn: I want to see the Rocky movie where he trains with a speech therapist and learns to enunciate.
Aquarius: For everybody watching, the end of Breaking Bad is just making sad.
Pisces: First-years, you best get your ID numbers memorized in the line for the Caf, or the upperclassmen will devour you in a fit of rage.