Data log. Part six.

There has never been, in the history of Earth’s evolution, any animal so ridden with self-loathing as the White-Skinned Human (we say “White-Skinned,” out of convenience, as while not all of these unfortunate creatures actually have white skin, the vast majority of them do). We spoke in the previous chapter of this creature’s relationship with food, and how its dietary habits appear to be ruled apart from those regular machinations of calorie input or metabolism, by what we have termed the “guilt factor.”

It appears that many white humans assign a guilt value to whatever food they intake, which has nothing to do with the amount of nourishment they derive from the food in question. This guilt factor is influenced by the presence of green-colored stickers on the skin of the food—more stickers indicating less guilt. These stickers can represent anything from the number of hours of child labor that went into the making of the food product to the amount of what is referred to as “whole grain” (a clear contrast to the fractional, and thus inferior, nature of regular grain).

The strangest thing about this phenomenon is that although the White-Skinned Human may enjoy the taste of a food item, it may still refuse to eat it because of its high guilt level. Despite this evolutionary handicap, the White-Skinned Human has enjoyed a great deal of success.

In the same way, the White-Skinned Human’s consumption of visual or audible art depends a great deal more on the absence of guilt than on any other factor. It is not uncommon for the White-Skinned Human to refuse a particular piece of entertainment for the sole reason that too many other White-Skinned Humans have consumed it already. In this instance, the human feels that the artist in question has already received too much support from its peers, and therefore its support would be best contributed to an artist who deserves it less.

The White-Skinned Human has recently found itself in the very awkward position of being in its present degree of dominance on the basis of its skin color. Because of this, the White-Skinned Human lives in constant fear that someone will point to its appearance, then its success, then put two and two together and thus nullify everything the White-Skinned Human has ever accomplished. This is the worst thing that can ever happen to a White-Skinned Human. Should this misfortune befall the White-Skinned Human, this will cause the creature to collapse into crippling fits of explanation, postmodernist statements and possibly a retreat to Facebook to show you pictures of them with their ethnic friends (it is common practice for the White-Skinned Human to collect several non-White-skinned friends for this express purpose, although it may not have any intention of ever actually hanging out with them).

Because nobody really trusts the White-Skinned Human, the White-Skinned Human is constantly trying to prove that it deserves what it has so that it can get away with having even more stuff, like expensive futons from IKEA, homemade sushi kits and a copy of Carol King’s Tapestry on vinyl. It does this in many ways, but two common methods are observing Don’t Buy Gas Day on May 15th and claiming that Malcom X is their favorite historical figure. Although the effectiveness of these actions is debatable, they do serve the immediate purpose of alleviating guilt, which is all the White-Skinned Human wanted in the first place.

Recommendation: Do not hesitate to shoot. There are too many of them anyway. Avoid communication at all costs. The creature has become so crippled by guilt that it has forgotten how to actually do anything useful. This impairment is known as “relativism,” and it has no known cure. At least, none that isn’t worse than the affliction.

Postscript: Although we were specifically tasked with compiling a profile of the White-Skinned Human, we feel compelled to point out that there is another creature which, to the untrained eye, is totally identical to the White-Skinned Human: the Pure-Hearted Altruist. Because this creature appears so frequently in White-Skinned Human mythology we initially assumed it was a fabrication, but we have since determined that this creature lives scattered among its fellow humans (no doubt for the purpose of camouflage). Having observed both of these nearly identical creatures, it is our opinion that the Pure-Hearted Altruist is the only reason the human race has survived as long as it has. If you are so lucky to catch a glimpse of this rare and magnificent creature, count yourself lucky and take a picture. You may never see another, or if you do, you won’t know it.