I’m graduating with a major in bullshitting because knowing how to read and write good (well?) isn’t important to me. I want to learn to make money, lots and lots of money. The largest document I ever intend to write after graduation is a Power Point, and eventually I’ll have a secretary to write any emails longer than ones I send to my friends to go get smashed after work.

Reading is boring. Books are all just words and reading one page takes, like, five minutes. FIVE minutes. In that amount of time I can send two dozen, or, like 100 texts to my friends and illegally download all the songs from next week’s Glee episode. If reading one page takes five minutes, that means reading 20 pages would take about … shit, let me get the calculator app out on my iPhone.

Who cares about being a well-rounded person. Reading books doesn’t make me well-rounded. Being well-rounded means I can sleep through classes after partying all night and still manage to get a solid C on the final exam. You see, what’s important is the diploma. As long as I have the diploma, I can get a job. Having a JOB means I am a well-rounded person.

And it doesn’t even matter what the diploma is for. You can bullshit your way through any major. Let’s start from the top:

Art Studio. This one’s great. Just don’t do the reading, paint a messy-ass blur on a canvas and say it’s abstract. No one can challenge aesthetics.

Biology. It’s called “chapter summary,” my friends, and they are usually found at the end of each chapter. Just read these the night before an exam, and you’re guaranteed a C. C is average and a damn nice mammary gland size, if I may be scientific here.

Economics. The key here is a calculator and friends. Get yourself some friends in your class, grab a calculator and get that shit done together. It’s not cheating if everyone is participating.

English. Sparknotes. Done and done. Don’t even bother buying the books for the class. Just keep saying you forgot it until your prof stops asking.

History. God invented Wikipedia for two reasons: to look up weird-ass sex positions and to get a summary of the Civil War in about as much time as it takes to watch an episode of Glee.

Music. Improvisation is just another word for bullshitting.

Philosophy. My smart philosophy major friend told me about the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Never used it myself, but she says it’s pretty handy for learning Husserl’s phenomenology in 20 minutes. Remember, that’s about the length of one Glee episode.

Theatre. Watch David Hasselhoff’s performance in “Jekyll and Hyde,” and you will know all you need to know about how to succeed in the acting industry.

All the other majors are about the same. Just use a computer. Computers have revolutionized the way to learn things, and you can’t criticize God for inventing computers. They have put knowledge at our fingertips, and it now takes a hell of a lot less time to get homework done so we can move on with our lives. Now that we have computers, books are about as useful as learning a girl’s name after you’ve already had sex with her.

Screw reading, screw books and screw academia. Just hand me my diploma in bullshitting so I can get a job and end up making millions more than my fellow students who actually care about the pursuit of knowledge and intellectual integrity.