* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the Nobel lecture that I was inexplicably not allowed to give this year . . .
Friday, Oct. 4
Speaking Fear Reduction: Culpeper Language Center 2:30 p.m.
The real problem with this exercise is that everyone is too afraid to say anything helpful.
Arb Night Hike: Linnaeus Arboretum 8 p.m.
Exploring trails, nighttime activities, finding stoners . . .
Saturday, Oct. 5
Gustie Cup Flag Football: Hollingsworth Field 7 p.m.
I think I heard that Bruno Mars is playing the halftime show for this.
LineUs Improv Comedy - 10th Birthday Show: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
Feel free to bring presents! For the record, LineUs wants a pony.
SNL: It’s Fall Y’All: Lund Arena 10 p.m.
Y’all? And apparently also down south.
Sunday, Oct. 6
Le Grande Bande & Chorus Presents Handel’s “Water Music”: Bjorling Recital Hall 7 p.m.
Featuring the H2Oboe.
Monday, Oct. 7
“The Politics of Piracy in Somalia” by Abdi Samatar: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.
Is torrenting a problem there, too?
Tuesday, Oct. 8
Russian Tea: Phi Beta Kappa Room 4 p.m.
It’s a good thing the Soviet Union fell. Soviet Tea spent so much money competing with American Tea.
Graduate School Panel: Confer 230 4:30 p.m.
It’s an hour of Sean Cobb repeatedly telling English majors that their major means something.
“The Canon Debate: Who Put the Bible Together and How?”: Olin 103 7 p.m.
Not to be confused with “The Cannon Debate: Who Blew the Bible Apart and How?”
Wednesday, Oct. 9
BBQ&A: Linnaeus Arboretum 6 p.m.
HOT DOGS AND EQUALITY FOR EVERYONE.
Thursday, Oct. 10
Teachers Talking: St. Peter Room 11:30 a.m.
This time we get to grade them on their participation.
Taking Control of Your Language Learning: Culpeper Language Center 1 p.m.
You could – by actually going to Spanish class for once.
Kit Yan Performance: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
More snaps at this slam poetry event than a male stripper’s tear-away pants.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: I’m pretty sure nobody told the pope that he shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day.
Taurus: I’m blaming my lack of production in class on the government shutdown.
Gemini: How Amazon is able to ship stuff in two days all the way from Brazil is amazing.
Cancer: CBS still hasn’t picked up my pitch for CFI: Collegiate Fellow Investigation, a “Complex” detective series.
Leo: As co- vice president of the Anarchist Club here, the shutdown must be like Christmas for you.
Virgo: Wait, so there is a person in the Gus mascot costume?
Libra: Your habit of spoiling Breaking Bad’s finale makes you a monster, a sadistic monster.
Scorpio: Keep fighting to keep the Pearl Jambulance idea alive. The healthcare community is missing the miracle touch of Eddie Vedder’s voice.
Sagittarius: At what point does corporate America push Steven Spielberg to change the line to, “E.T. iPhone home”?
Capricorn: I don’t even think Congress can say their mothers like them any more.
Aquarius: Miley did it. She made Amanda Bynes seem sane.
Pisces: Stop judging Britney Spears’ British accent. She’s cultured.