* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the lyrics of the radio edit of NWA’s “F@#$ tha Police.” They really tame that song down.
Friday, Sept. 6
Title IX Training for New Faculty: Jackson Campus Center 2:30 p.m.
Who will conduct this discussion about misconduct?
Weekend Movie: The Purge: The Arb 9 p.m.
Lying about the quality of this movie is Purge-ry.
First Dive of the Year: The Dive 11 p.m.
All of the sweat on the walls is Jesus’ tears.
Saturday, Sept. 7
Weekend Movie: The Purge: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
If this movie is too scary, I will purge my pants.
Sunday, Sept. 8
Weekend Movie: The Purge: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
Ethan Hawke is my favorite actor with a bird name that has a silent “e.”
Monday, Sept. 9
Yoga with Brenda Haugen: Lund 224 11:40 a.m.
Brenda is making a strong push for Lund supremecy this year.
Tuesday, Sept. 10
Cardio Mix with Brenda Haugen: Lund 224 6:30 a.m.
6:30?! Brenda is a go-getter if I’ve ever seen one. She’s awesome!
Foreign Language Equivalency Exams: Vickner 108 2:30 p.m.
Slowly rebuilding the Tower of Babel one equivalency exam at a time.
Wednesday, Sept. 11
Bootcamp with Brenda Haugen: Lund 224 11:40 a.m.
SOMEBODY STOP BRENDA AND HER F@#$ING MONOPOLY ALREADY!
Thursday, Sept. 12
Teachers Talking: St. Peter Room 11:30 a.m.
Laryngitis is the true enemy of this event.
First Year Athlete Ice Cream Social: The Dive 7:30 p.m.
And then back to Lund. Those calories aren’t going to burn themselves.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Billy Ray Cyrus must have an “Achy Breaky Heart” after watching his daughter with that foam finger.
Taurus: CNN has had a lot of“Syria-l”to chew on lately.
Gemini: It might be worth trying to drop any class that gives you homework.
Cancer: I can’t believe I wasn’t cast in Fifty Shades of Grey. . .
Leo: Bravo is going to pick up your Paul Granlund reality show called BRONZE any day now.
Virgo: Doctors have been weirdly urging me to cut Kevin Bacon out of my life.
Libra: I would buy the s@#$ out of “Mike English Muffins.”
Scorpio: Gustavus Fun Fact: Don’t worry about homework and tests—your GPA is predetermined based on your student ID number!
Sagittarius: Apple has seriously taken over the campus. I mean, we have a chaplain named Siri.
Capricorn: Ohle’s dancing during Orientation was that of a man with nothing to lose.
Aquarius: Mumford’s commitment to his family is inspring.
Pisces: You think Gus is just a mascot, huh? Go to the fourth floor of Beck and then get back to me.