The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather a voicemail sent to me on Case Day. I wonder why it’s so incoherent.

Friday, March 1

Yoga in a Sacred Space: Christ Chapel 7 a.m.

Not to be confused with“Yoga in a Scared Space” in the Rundstrom chapel.

African Night: Alumni Hall 5:30 p.m.

I don’t know about the rest of the night, but Belgium just took a bunch of the time without asking anyone.

Weekend Movie: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

After winning a whole bunch of Razzies, the Twilight series has gotten the awards they truly deserve.

Saturday, March 2

Kickboxing: Lund 224 11 a.m.

Nothing beats stress like booting a cardboard box.

Weekend Movie: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

Sunday, March 3

Weekend Movie: Breaking Dawn Part 2: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

I wonder if Kristen Stewart symbolically had crutches at the Oscars to show how critics beat up on her s@#%ty movies.

The Hot Dish Trio in Concert: Bjorling Recital Hall 7 p.m.

Outside of Minnesota, they are commonly referred to as “The Casserole Trio.”

Monday, March 4

Hispanic Film Festival Screening of The Fish Child: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.

It’s just the Spanish title for The Little Mermaid.

Tuesday, March 5

Yoga with Kelly: Lund 224 12:40 p.m.

The first name recognition is key for anyone on the fence. Kelly gets it.

Yoga: Lund 224 6 p.m.

F@#$ing Kelly stealing regular Yoga’s thunder.

Wednesday, March 6

Internship Fair: Heritage and St. Peter Banquet Rooms 11:30 a.m.

Anyone who has done an unpaid internship is like, “Ain’t nothing fair about internships!”

Thursday, March 7

Film Screening of Small, Beautifully Moving Parts: Wallenberg Auditorium 4:30 p.m.

That movie’s gotta be erotic. It’s just gotta be.

Learning Languages With Board Games: Culpeper Language Center 7 p.m.

The only language I learn while playing board games is not suitable for publication.

Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes

Aries: Your idea to start a newsletter for people who never go to Lund called The GusTavian Weakly is solid.

Taurus: E! has already gotten the rights to a papal vote reality show called Kicking it with the Cards.

Gemini: Ben Affleck’s Oscar seems like Hollywood saying, “We forgive you for Gigli.”

Cancer: The Black Eyed Peas’ new song, “My Mumps,” is so infectious.

Leo: Why hasn’t anyone named a woman as a possible pope? BuildingBridges, get on this.

Virgo: Where are the negative campaign ads for the Student Senate election?

Libra: It’ll be weird when Daniel Day-Lewis inevitably method acts as Gumby.

Scorpio: You keep pushing for transparency with Ohle, and he is going to go all Harry Potter on your a@# with an invisibility cloak.

Sagittarius: The day they find a bunch of homeless people in the old SSC building is the last day Gustavus renovates anything.

Capricorn: What’s more unnerving about the Hamburger Helper oven mitt: The fact that it’s alive or that it only has four fingers?

Aquarius: Trix has got to have the worst business model ever. They only want to sell cereal to kids.

Pisces: The Supreme Court is preparing for beach season with their controversial decision for Row v. Wade.