The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather entries in the personal diary of ex-reality television star Kevin Federline.
Friday, Sept. 14
Nobel Conference Preview: Alumni Hall 2:30–3:30 p.m.
Previews are almost always better than the full feature. Sorry to burst your bubble, science fans.
Sophomore Socials: Johns Family Courtyard 3-5 p.m.
“You can’t sit with us!”cried the sophomore who always makes mid-2000s movie references.
Weekend Movie: Magic Mike: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
It’s going to be ABSolutely terrific.
Saturday, Sept. 15
2012 Fall Fest: Linnaeus Arboretum
Celebrate the transition from luscious green leaves to a barren wasteland of nothingness. Don’t worry, these will be more cynical come winter.
Celebrate St. Peter Day: GAC Campus
St. Peter is really excited about Papa Murphy’s coming to town.
Coneflower Prairie Dedication: Linnaeus Arboretum – Coneflower Prairie Interpretive Garden 10:30-11 a.m.
The pyramid and cylinder flowers are going to be pissed if they don’t get their own days, too.
Weekend Movie: Magic Mike: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
It’s a really gritty film, stripped down to the flesh.
Sunday, Sept. 16
Weekend Movie: Magic Mike: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Magic, eh? Should the audience prepare for a wand or two?
Monday, Sept. 17
Thirty Minute Cardio Abs: Lund Center 7:30-8 p.m.
By the time that’s done, the pizza I ordered will be here. The never-ending cycle begins.
Fall Semester Registration Deadline
Now is the time to burn those bridges with those professors.
Tuesday, Sept. 18
Teachers Talking Technology: 11:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m. President’s Dining Room
GTS is going to be busy; most of the professors I’ve had don’t know s@#$ about technology.
Wednesday, Sept. 19
The Movers Walking Club: Lund Center 11:40 a.m.
You don’t have to follow Aerosmith’s directions and “Walk This Way.”
Faculty-Trustee Book Discussion: Jackson Campus Center Board Room 4 p.m.
Next week they are discussing Fifty Shades of Grey.
Thursday, Sept. 20
Study Abroad Returnee Pizza and Pictures: IC Community Room 5:30-7 p.m.
A lazy effort to make the students back from Italy more comfortable with food.
The Maze: Alumni Hall 7-9 p.m.
Not to be confused with the corn festival,The Maize.
Feit-sty Horoscope
Aries: I’m 75 percent sure no scientific evidence of leprechauns at the end of rainbows exists.
Taurus: Your ambitous nature will inevitably be wasted because you are a humanities major.
Gemini: Good, the first-years aren’t wearing the lanyards around their necks anymore. Now stop clogging up the pasta line in the caf.
Cancer: Thank Flag Day today. It makes all of the other holidays cool.
Leo: Will someone please explain to me why cologne has a “g” in it?
Virgo: Tea parties aren’t the same since your stuffed animals started wearing their Michelle Bachmann shirts.
Libra: All I want is for a rabbit to try to steal my Trix cereal some day.
Scorpio: Your academic ambition is waning already, isn’t it?
Sagittarius: Props to CAB for picking movies prime for jokes this year.
Capricorn: It’s time for the Hamburgler to be punished for his malfeasances.
Aquarius: Where do failed presidential candidates go when their time is up? I imagine Howard Dean and Rick Santorum playing on a farm upstate.
Pisces: Chef Boyardee’s restaurant is one of the finest I’ve ever been to. The guy gets microwaved pasta.